DOH-mer of The Week- The Cable Guy

Every coach has a style, and it’s implemented toward the leadership of their franchise. Some personalities are strong and have an impact on the roster. Others are passive, and the roster may control them. You can be the Wade Phillips type, standing on the sidelines with Jones’ hand up your ass, as a puppet gives a deceptive image of a leader. I’d still like to see Phillips talking at a press conference, while Jerry Jones drinks a glass of water in clear view. Until then, the ventriloquist continues to master his art. You can also be the tough persona, as shown by Niners interim coach Mike Singletary. Mike made it clear in his coaching debut that he doesn’t care how much money, how many commercials, or how many fans scream your name. On the field, you scream his name, because you are his b*tch, working only for him. And you can also be Norv Turner, blaming officials, members of the coaching staff, weather, tight underwear, and anything else for his team’s discomfort, without ever taking the blame himself. But Raiders interim coach, Mike Cable, in hopes of inspiring his team, took an approach that I would consider, well…DOH’merfied.

The Raiders have received more of these stupidity awards than anyone else. And trust me, it’s not because they are a hated team in the AFC West, but because they provide more asinine material than anyone else. They gave people quite a chuckle last week, with Cable having his offense (NFL low 9 touchdowns this season) practice touchdown celebrations. To quote quarterback Jamarcus Russell, “Now we do a thing in practice where guys run to the end zone. Or we make it to the end zone, as far as the offense, congratulate those guys, get used to doing it. The more you get used to it, the more you’ll be better with it on the field, as a team.”...Really?

I guess Mike Cable forgot to tell his team that on gameday you can’t run as freely to the end zone, because THERE ARE PEOPLE CHASING YOU. Those chuckles of last week became side splitting laughter, as the Raiders followed up their end zone celebrations in practice by getting shutout 24-0 on Sunday by the Atlanta Falcons. They followed up with the worst offensive display of the season, achieving just 3 first downs (none in the first half), 77 total yards, and just 10 yards passing.

Practice makes perfect? Hell no! It depends on what you’re working on. How about practicing QB protection, run blocking, route running and execution? How about beginning with “first down celebrations” and working your way up to “we’re in field goal range”? After being shutout, what will you feature in practice this week, a f*cking trial run ticker tape parade through the streets of Oakland? Jamarcus Russell can practice hoisting the Lombardi trophy, without fumbling it.

Ironically, with the shutout coming against the Atlanta Falcons, it brings me back to one of my earliest DOH’mers and his words. DeAngelo Hall claimed his forced trade and departure from Atlanta had nothing to do with money, and that he was just tired of losing. He wanted to play for a winner. His former team is currently 5-3, already surpassing their win total of 2007. His new team is 2-6, with only Kansas City keeping them out of the cellar in the AFC West. Nice choice MEangelo! How does it feel to be shutout by Arthur “BLANK”?

DOH-mer of The Week- Worst preseason acquisitions of 2008

Some NFL franchises were willing to gamble and take a stab at the poor free agency market, providing the cash and hoping for performance. Others gambled with picks, acquiring what they believed to be immediate impact players and sacrificing positions in future drafts. With 8 weeks complete, and teams and players settling in, let’s give a group hug to all the DOH-mers that flushed their funds and selections down the toilet.

1. Adam “Pacman” Jones, CB, Cowboys- Pacman tops the list, because unlike the others, it’s doubtful that he’ll have the opportunity to improve. Now suspended again by the NFL, the cornerback failed to be a force on the field as either a cornerback or return man. But this acquisition amounts more to a waste of time, since Jerry Jones did leave himself a way out, and retrieved draft picks granted to Tennessee in the trade. There’s still the issue of Dallas paying the fines for taking a chance on a problem player. But then again, as I’ve always said, Goodell should also fine himself for even allowing the opportunity. I’ll admit that I supported Jerry’s decision to add Pacman to the roster, as I believed he could change. But hey, I’m not eligible to be a DOH’mer on my own blog….so back the f*ck up!

2. Javon Walker, WR, Raiders- If you think Javon Walker being robbed on a street corner in Vegas was horrible, reflect back on the robbery that took place months earlier in an Oakland office. Al Davis dished out a $55 million contract for a player the Denver Broncos were glad to boot from the mountain. That contract came with $27 million in guarantees. In 6 games played, Walker has 12 receptions and just one touchdown. The lone score came against the Jets, and marked his first time in the end zone in two years. That breaks the contract down to $27.5 million per touchdown, and nearly $460,000 per catch.

3. Brett Favre, QB, Jets- The New York Jets acquired Brett Favre for a conditional 4th round pick in the 2009 draft. It turns into a third round pick, if Brett plays in at least 50% of Jets games. Just go ahead and bench him now, because you have nothing to gain and more to lose. What the Jets acquired was an NFL turnover machine and an 89.5 passer rating. I’m sure they already had that sitting somewhere on the bench. Didn’t they? As it is, the man sent packing to make room for Favre (Chad Pennington) is 6th in the league in passing, with a passer rating of 100.5. Favre has thrown 11 interceptions in 7 games played. Pennington has thrown just 3. The only thing right about the New Yorkers’ decision to ship Pennington out is that it avoids a quarterback controversy, as fans aren’t likely to call for Clemens. And don’t give me any of that sh*t about Favre leading the Jets to a tying score, before falling to the Raiders. And don't talk to me about heroics against the Kansas City Chiefs. Those are woeful franchises, and it was Favre’s play that allowed them both to remain in the game.

4. Jeremy Shockey, TE, Saints- The Saints gave up second and fifth round picks to the Giants for Jeremy Shockey. Obviously the Giants didn’t need him, improving as a unit during his absence, and were waiting for a victim to punk in a trade. This isn’t about his 22 receptions and no scores in 2008. It’s about his return from a sports hernia, only to complain about pain in the leg damaged last year with the Giants. The Saints gave up draft selections for damaged goods. Shockey says New Orleans erred in misdiagnosing his injury in camp, but the error came before that, in the trade. You have a pro bowl tight end playing in the best passing attack in football, and he hasn’t seen the end zone. In contrast, Kevin Boss may only have 10 receptions with the Giants, but he has scored twice.

5. Troy Williamson, WR, Jaguars- When you look at the sixth round pick the Jags gave up for Troy Williamson, it may not look like much. But then again, they didn’t gain much. It was nearly a “nothing-for-nothing” deal. Williamson’s strength is speed to stretch the football field. His weakness is his hands, as the guy can’t catch for sh*t. If you ever wonder what Usain Bolt would look like on a football field, just watch Williamson play. Aside for missing 4 games with an injury, Williamson (the stretch performer) has no catches longer than 6 yards. His receptions have only moved the sticks once, and he hasn’t scored. The Vikings used the 6th round pick to select Jaymar Johnson, another speedy receiver, and he's currently a member of their practice squad. Why did I say it was "nearly" a nothing-for-nothing deal? It's because the salary of a former first round draft choice is substantially greater than the salary of a 6th round practice squad player. Neither are productive on Sundays, but who got the better deal?

I could easily dig deeper and add more names to this list, since the free agent market was so horrible. But the 5 listed didn’t require any digging, because you could almost see that teams weren’t getting what they bargained for, before these men ever set foot on the field. Oddly, Redskins owner Dan Snyder managed to avoid any bonehead moves during the offseason, though people thought the hiring of Jim Zorn was “it”. Maybe the little guy has finally learned. But as for the rest of them, take this DOH’mer as a lesson, before you pull out your wallets in 2009.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Name Calling Again

We all know Lou Holtz. Well, at least most of us do. If you follow college football at all, you know he was one of the great coaching names of his time, now works as an analyst for ESPN, and recently had a statue in his likeness unveiled on the Notre Dame campus. Some people love him, and others hate him. If you’ve heard his opinions on college games, you realize he represents “homerism” to the extreme. The man has a doctorate degree, and has a segment called “Dr. Lou” that airs during halftime of college football games broadcast on ESPN. And though I’ve always admired his coaching skills, I’ve never been a fan of his commentary. To hear him, my belief is that he dips into the cooking sherry before going on air. But last week, he made one of the biggest no-no’s of broadcasting, referencing the infamous German dictator Adolf Hitler in comparison to a college coach.

Is the entire thing overblown? All he said was, “ya know, Hitler was a great leader too”. Some people think something was made out of nothing, but I’m not one of those people. Nothing is going to ruffle feathers more than the use of Hitler in a positive light. Great? He was about as great as the first lemming that leads the others to the cliff, before they all plunge to their death. As I see it, he led his country to be conquered, divided, and controlled by other powers. Leader? If anything…“cowardly”. He sent 12 year old boys to fight his enemies, while he refused to suffer the consequences of his actions, choosing suicide, instead. It reminds me a lot of the huffing and puffing “leader” of Iraq, who ordered his citizens to fight off the invading Americans with their kitchen knives and what-not, only to be found cowering inside a farm hole with candies and small children. There was nothing “great” about Adolph Hitler. Even his artwork was a piece of sh**.

If Dr. Lou is going to use Hitler as a comparison to Michigan’s Rich Rodriguez, who will he choose to be Pete Carroll’s leadership mirror? Is it Charles Manson, leading an entire cult to fulfill his desires. Maybe Jim Tressel can be compared to Jim Jones, who had so much influence over his congregation that he led them out of the country, before leading then to drink cyanide laced Kool-Aid. Maybe Nick Saban has so much success in his short time in Alabama, because like David Koresh, his leadership has his football team believing he’s Jesus Christ.

Overblown? If you’re calling Rich Rodriguez a bad coach and leader, who will eventually lead to the demise of the program, that’s one thing. But the Wolverines look to defeat their opponents, and not to exterminate them based on prejudices. In some countries it’s unlawful to name a child “Adolf Hitler”, and that certainly doesn’t reflect the opinion of “greatness” in his leadership.

Dr. Lou takes this DOH-mer home, and not for just making that asinine mistake, but also for not knowing better. In June, Jamele Hill, also employed by ESPN, was suspended for Hitler comments. I guess Lou doesn’t pay attention to what goes on in the office, while he's refilling his flask.

And in case you haven't seen any of those horrible "Dr. Lou" segments, here's my offering:

DOH-mer Of The Week- Safety Valve?

Remember when you were a kid, playing football in the street with your neighbors? Sometimes you played with a flag, at other times it was touch, and if you wanted to prove to your friends that you had balls, you played tackle ball right there on the asphalt. You either moved the ball with a “downs” system or you imitated the NFL, actually walking off the 10 yards needed. You had penalties. You had sideline boundaries, kick offs, punts, etc. But there’s one thing we never had in street ball, and that was a safety.

Recording a safety was nearly impossible, because the end zone was endless. We marked the beginning of the end zone, as to determine a score, but the back of the end zone went on for infinite yards or in this case “blocks”. Backed up against your own end zone was never problematic, because our quarterbacks could scamper freely to escape danger, before ever making their toss.

Someone should have informed Lions quarterback Dan Orlovsky of the differences between playing in the street and playing in a billion dollar dome. One obvious difference is the paycheck, as you are rewarded for your skills and football knowledge. The other obvious difference, the end zone is limited in length.

On Sunday, against the Minnesota Vikings, Orlovsky’s mind returned to the streets, though his body played in the dome. With his Lions pinned against their own end zone, Orlovsky took the snap and tried to avoid the rushing Jared Allen by running to his right and up the block to little Johnny’s house, hoping to buy time for receivers to get open. And of course, as the video shows, Allen is erratically signaling to the refs that Johnny doesn’t live there anymore.

Orlovsky can’t be credited for the complete failure of the Lions, who are now 0-6, but he’s managed to create a video highlight to sum up the Lions’ misery. When you’re a back up quarterback, thrust into the starting role for a winless team, you don’t necessarily have to win games, but you surely need to win over the few fans remaining.

The cowardly Lions earned a badge of courage for firing the man behind the curtain, after proving for years he was no wizard at all. Dorothy still wears No. 11, clicking his heels and reciting, “I wish I was home”. And now they’ve benched the Tin Man, allowing the Scarecrow to run the huddle. This DOH-mer could easily be a team effort, but I can’t look pass the bonehead error of Orvlovsky, so he’ll take it alone…Well…and Toto too.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Premature Ejaculation

I see it every year, and each time I’m irked. I only see it in baseball, but if it exists in other professional sports, do me a favor and let me know. I’m talking about the season climax that comes much too soon. I’m talking about the chorus of screams combined with flowing liquid, which I’ve always translated as completion of a goal and fulfillment of a dream. It’s an athletic orgasm, before you ever get those regular season pants off.

I understand that baseball consists of a rigorous 162 game season. I understand that to finish the regular season with even more games to play is an accomplishment. But what I don’t understand is the champagne parties, field romping, and frenzy that follow the announcement that you have done nothing more than won your division, or even worse, that you qualified as a “wildcard”.

I can maybe cut division winners some slack, but it would be very little. Franchises fly division championship banners at their stadiums and arenas, regardless of sport. The franchise is recorded in the books as the champion for that year. But still, isn’t the celebration a bit over the top, with so much work left to be done. Isn’t it “World Series champs or bust”? And what’s with that wildcard celebration, with printed AL or NL “wildcard” T-shirts included. Can you imagine the Atlanta Hawks having a champagne party for slipping into the NBA playoffs? Can you imagine last year’s Titans or Jaguars having a wildcard celebration that would rival Superbowl Champions? Win the pennant, and a party may be somewhat suffice. But why the overly exaggerated celebrations for making the playoffs, then again for doing nothing more than winning in the first round?

To me, these celebrations are equivalent to a coach receiving a Gatorade Bath at halftime, when you still have 2 quarters to play. The Chicago Cubs had one of these celebrations, and failed to win a single game in the post-season. They had this celebration, after the first quarter, with 3 quarters remaining before the trophy could be raised. Was the champagne flow a symbol that the curse was broken? Hell no! Are fans of the Cubbies satisfied, because their team qualified for the playoffs, but didn’t go any farther? Pfft! The whole thing is pointless, if it doesn’t come with the grand prize. How many coaches over the years have taken part in those celebrations, only to lose their jobs in following weeks? How many players celebrated, only to worry about job security a week later, or begin negotiations with other franchises before all division series are complete?

I can even look at the Dodgers and Rays, and maybe have some sympathy, but I won’t. At this point, the Rays are viewed as remarkable for their turn around. Get bounced from the playoffs or lose in the world series, and no one will remember or give a sh**. Remember the 2001 Seattle Mariners (who?), tying the Major League record with 116 wins in the regular season? So what? The Mariners have still failed to make a World Series appearance in their history. But hey, at least they had a party for one night. Right? Those Northwestern champagne spillers are known today as one of the biggest busts in baseball history. And out in L.A, the Dodgers had been playoff limp for 20 years, before using the Cubs as Viagra. They’ve won a playoff series. Is it time to party? What the f*** for? There’s more work to do. I don’t care how many times you make it to the post season, or how many wins you accumulate in that post season, because it’s all about finishing on top. You can win a playoff series and still finish among the year’s losers. It’s all or nothing. And if you don’t believe me, the fact that the Indians, Cubs, and some others are still considered “cursed” says it. Those clubs have won in the playoffs throughout the years, but all came up short of “finishing”. You know… the climax? If you don't finish, what's the difference between the Angels and the Royals? Aren't they both losers?

So, my DOH-mer goes to these groups of men, acting like an alcoholic that has been dry for weeks and just waiting and willing to find a reason to have a boozy celebration for even the slightest of reasons. After all, the Atlanta Braves won a record 14 consecutive division titles. That’s at least 14 locker room parties, while only tasting the championship once. In comparison, the Florida Marlins won the World Series twice in 6 years, without ever winning that Braves dominated Eastern division. The lesson learned is, at least get through the foreplay and actual act, before trying to fake an orgasm.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Eye Da Ho

The Idaho vandals are basically the laughing stock of the college football world. They’re already 1-3 this season, and 15-54 over the past six. To see Idaho on your football schedule is to consider it a bye week. To play Idaho is to have more competition in your own football practices. In other words, If Boise State represents the luxury restroom in the state, the Idaho Vandals are the toilet paper used to wipe a program’s ass. But despite their failures on the football field, only in Moscow Idaho will you find a football coaching job safe and a cheerleading director on the hot seat.

I’ll go ahead and make the assumption that the majority of football spectators are male. I think it’s a fair assumption, until someone can prove me wrong. I would also make the assumption that males in Idaho are no different than males in any other part of the country, but the latest development has me thinking and dismissing that theory. It seems that the most horrifying visual in Moscow wasn’t the 70-0 beating the football program took from Arizona, but the outfits worn by their rah rah girls.

If I’m a native of Moscow Idaho, I certainly wouldn’t be attending a football game with the intention of actually seeing my hometown team win. The results are a long gone conclusion, in any given year. Watching your team get embarrassed on a field is hardly entertainment. You know what’s entertaining? Girls in short skirts shaking their pom-poms, Isn’t it? You can get your hotdogs, peanuts, and cold beer at any convenience store, but outside of the local strip clubs, where else can you eye females in short skirts, waiting for leg kicks and angles not shown to national television audiences, and get to do it without the dark shades, trench coat, and fake mustache? If you’re answer is a football game, then you’ve got it right.

Unfortunately, the University actually received complaints about the cheerleading outfits in the above photo. I know. I can hear the cry all the way from BYU and Provo Utah, in chorus, with an “ARE YOU SH**ting me?!?!?” Not only were the complaints received, but the school complied, and the Vandals have now changed to the photo below.

Only a DOH-mer (or nun) would transition from the first photo to the second, knowing what the majority of their audience is. The second photo is high school gym class revisited. The first photo is music and a tip rail. Now you get to see the football team lose, and not much of anything else. But I’ll say this, for the first time, the school actually made national headlines for their coverage (literally) of T & A. I’ll now make a new assumption, saying that it’s my belief that the biggest booster for the University of Idaho football program is “N.O.W”.

1-12, here you come. You’ll always be ranked at the bottom of college football, but it’s a terrible ploy to initiate a change to allow your gridiron boys to have a better placing in Division-1 than your cheerleaders will in competitions. Congrats on gaining an edge, DOH’mers! And thanks for not going with the "pioneer women of the 19th century" look. America just can't wait to see the ankles on those Vandals.... GO TEAM!

DOH-mer Of The Week- Clash Of The Titans

We’ve had a week of Vince Young’s near nervous breakdown, with just about everyone coming out to speak in his behalf before he finally gave statements of his own, which in short said, “Everything’s cool with me.” Who am I to say things aren’t cool, despite what our media sources are making it out to be? He’s not even my DOH-mer, because I don’t know the facts of the situation, but he did face the embarrassment of an important lesson that went unlearned. Every male should know, once you reach adulthood, you should never allow your mommy to speak for you. It’s even worse when you play a contact sport against grown men trying with all their might to bring you pain, and your mom is using the media as her canvas and painting you as a b*tch. And for all you mothers out there reading this, take note. I know you spend the majority of your lives running to the defense of your little ones, but the last thing they need in their adult lives is a new crop of “Yo Momma” jokes generated by you and hurled in their direction.

My DOH-mer is even bigger than that story, because he helped create it. If you go back to the 2006 draft class, the Titans, picking in the third spot, had a choice of future quarterbacks for the franchise. The coaching staff didn’t want a quarterback from a one read passing offense, with a Wonderlic score equal to Karl’s of “Slingblade”. But the owner, Bud Adams, being a Houston man chose the hometown boy and put him in those Tennessee blues.

Now, before the Longhorns’ fans start jumping out of their seats with their “HOOK’EM”, and start talking about his “offensive rookie of the year” award, allow me to give a one word description. BULLSH**! Sure, he broke a rookie rushing record for quarterbacks that had stood since 1969, but the forward pass has come a long way since then. Yes, he took over the quarterbacking duties and his Titans went 8-5 in that stretch, but it appears the defense was the anchor to the ship. And yes, he made it to the Pro Bowl, by filling in for an injured Philip Rivers. How does a QB with a 66.7 passer rating get to Hawaii? That number ranked him 31st in the league, and only 31 QBs qualified for the ranking. That’s artificial excellence, which never lasts long. If you don’t believe me, ask the once cheered Rex Grossman about how short lived that excellence can be when your team underachieves. There honestly wasn't much to choose from in the 2006 offensive rookie class. It's not like anyone was giving an Adrian Peterson type performance.

The Titans made the wrong selection, and it didn’t stop there. There were other options. And though Matt Leinart is riding pine in Arizona behind a former NFL and Superbowl MVP, the difference is that Leinart would do anything to get on the field, while Young allegedly wants to get off. Being a franchise in Tennessee, where Vanderbilt just happens to be located, how could you not pick Jay Cutler? NFL scouts raved about him, and they were obviously correct. Cutler is the best quarterback of the 2006 draft class, and he's from your own backyard.

After the first f*** up, it got worse. With Young still not adapting to NFL defenses, the Titans were left with a choice, and they chose to fire offensive guru Norm Chow and make him the scapegoat. Chow has a successful track record of NFL quarterback production, but somehow that was overlooked, since Vince still couldn’t pick up a blitz or read coverage, and only think about those “French fried taters”. Then we hear the news about the police spending a couple of hours last week looking for the quarterback. But in Tennessee, coaches and fans have been in search of one for about 3 years now.

My DOH-mer now has a dilemma, the same as the management in San Francisco. He’s invested a ton of money in a franchise quarterback, but the franchise is moving on without him. If Kerry Collins is successful in the upcoming weeks, do you dare bench him when Young is healthy enough to return? Well, Collins is from Lebanon Pennsylvania and not Houston Texas….so, maybe?

No DOH-mer this week

I normally drop a new "DOH-mer of the week" on Wednesday or Thursday mornings, but I've decided that this week will be skipped over. Not that I couldn't find anyone worthy, because f#@& ups are plentiful in the sports world. My decision is based on the date, and I felt it inappropriate to be published on the eve or anniversary of 9/11. I could have easily chosen anyone responsible for the cowardly acts of terror against our nation, but I'd rather pay my respects and honor those that lost their lives in 2001, or those men and women that continue to make the ultimate sacrifices on foreign soil today to ensure our safety and freedom.

The DOH-mer will return next week.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Name That Toon

What’s in a name? It depends on who you are. Some people take pride in their family name, eager to point out lineage, and looking forward to breeding extension. Some change names for religious reasons, and others will make the switch to increase opportunities in selected fields. But then we get to Cincinnati’s Chad Johnson, who legally changed his name for no other reason than to assure himself a seat upon the sports media whore throne.

In his junior year at UCLA, running back Maurice Drew learned that his grandfather suffered a heart attack in the stands of the Rose Bowl while watching his grandson play. To honor his fallen family member and biggest supporter, Maurice changed his name, hyphenating it to include the name “Jones” to reflect his grandfather’s memory. The talkative and cocky Cassius Clay converted to Islam, changing his name to Muhammad Ali. Lou Alcindor (Kareem Abdul Jabbar), Bobby Moore (Ahmad Rashad), and Chris Jackson (Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf) did the same. Coincidentally, Rauf's career went down the sh*tter, after his name change, unlike the others that are legendary. If my name was Eldrick Woods, I’d probably change it to “Tiger” too. Rhino, muskrat, aardvark or whatever other mammal you can think of, but just don't call me Eldrick. And as for Lucious Pusey, does anyone really need an explanation to why a change was necessary? It's the perfect name for a female co-star in James Bond movies. But if you're a 200 pound linebacker, scrapping it was long overdue.

Fearing discrimination in Hollywood, Jewish actors and actresses often changed their names to hide their heritage. Joyce Frankenberg (Jane Seymour), Allen Konigsberg (Woody Allen), and Eugene Orowitz (Michael Landon), all made the changes to increase opportunities on the silver screen. Marion Morrison didn’t make the change for ethnic reasons, but didn’t see the name fairing well for a tough gun slinging cowboy, so he went with John Wayne instead.

But Chad Ocho-Cinco falls into a different category all together. This isn’t a change to open doors in the entertainment industry, honor your family or show religious conversion. This is entertainment, along the same lines as Bozo. So much for, “it’s not the name on the back that matters.” It does matter to Chad. For years he’s tried to be bigger than the name on the front of his uniform, and for years he has succeeded. His parents can only be about as proud as the parents of Rod Smart. After all, their son was one of the most popular players of the XFL, and a lot of the popularity came from his name. Imagine yourself as a parent sitting and watching a game with friends, and someone asks which is your son. Your answer would be, “No. 30, He Hate Me”. The Johnson’s can now answer with “No. 85, Ocho-Cinco”. But at least Rod was actually smart, and didn’t make a legal name change.

My wish for this DOH’mer is that he leaves the Bengals soon and lands in a place with a lousy quarterback. Not only do I want him to play with the Joey Harrington and Rex Grossmans of the world, I’m also hoping jersey No. 85 will be taken. Now this clown would either have to come out of pocket with a large sum of money to purchase the number from a teammate or suffer the ridicule of being “Ocho-Cinco” and wearing jersey No. 86 or whatever. Wouldn’t that be perfect? Would he then feel the family name is special or run back to court for “Ocho-Seis”?

Sometimes it takes life lessons before someone will realize how ridiculous their actions may be. Since his days at Oregon State, Chad Johnson has been catered, without a single lesson received. With Delusions of grandeur, he is a superhero, cartoon character, and anything else that will allow him to standout, catch media attention, and be elevated to a plateau greater than his team and Bengals teammates. But reality is that he's just a wide receiver, and possesses the tools and athletic talent to be everything on the field. But off the field, away from those teammates and the organization, he is nothing. Suffer a career ending injury today, and it won’t matter how many times you change your name, because the media has no reason to talk to you. They interview the crazy guy from the Bengals, and not the guy bagging groceries that has “ocho-cinco” on his timecard.

I can look at tee-ball leagues, and children ranging from ages 6-9, and they'll have the clever little nicknames on the back of their jerseys. By the time those kids reach high school, they would be humiliated at the thought. Those kids all grew up. The overgrown kid in Cincinnati never has. At least that other media whore, Clinton Portis, portrays his variety of characters off the field, and is strictly business between the lines. But this one, Mr. Ocho-Cinco, spends his off field time planning new attention grabbing antics to bring to the game that allow him to standout above everyone else on the field. I guess touchdowns, receptions, and yardage wasn't enough. That's the boring football life, and unacceptable for caped gridiron superheroes.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Pin Cushion Performances

Once upon a time, I admired baseball’s Paul Lo Duca. He was the heart and soul of the Los Angeles Dodgers, the spark plug that brought energy to the team. He was our Major League All Star, and I was shocked and angered when he was traded to the Florida Marlins . He’s been well traveled since wearing that Dodger Blue, also spending time in New York and Washington. And even after his name appeared on the Mitchell Report, I respected the man for not denying the use of human growth hormones, and apologizing for breaking the rules.

But I've suddenly lost respect for him, as he resorted to giving one of the more popular responses used by players that have been caught. Lo Duca says it was hard work that made him an All Star, and that he was not assisted by the “performance” enhancing drugs. And you know, every time I hear this answer, I think to myself…”Then why use them?!

Did Bonds and Sheffield use the “magic lotion” to promote healthier looking skin that glistened in the sunlight? Clemens wasn't a doper. He was a cutter, sticker, poker or whatever you want to call him, using the needle as an emotional release. Maybe Marion Jones wasn't injecting to improve speed on the track, but told that the growth hormones would either reduce the size of her cuspids over time or increase the size of her other teeth, making her grill more uniformed. There are plenty of excuses that can be made for steroid use as a necessity outside of sports enhancement, but you really can't explain the severe decline in performance once an athlete is busted.

It’s understandable that some players resort to the use of banned substances to speed up the rehabilitation of injuries, though it’s still an outlawed act. But according to the Mitchell report, a healthy Paul Lo Duca purchased the supplements less than five weeks before the Dodgers traded him to the Florida Marlins. He made another purchase 8 days after he joined the Florida team. How is this fact and not allegation? The DOH’mer made the purchases using checks in his name, as did many other jackasses of Major League Baseball.

I see no reason to use the drugs, if they don’t improve athletic performance. And what I also see is a DOH’mer named Paul Lo Duca, barely called up from the “MINOR LEAGUES”, trying to tell the public that his All Star status was a product of raw ability alone. The Mitchell report surfaces, and the one time All Star suddenly descends to the lower levels of the game. It’s pretty much the same as the quick decline of former league MVP Jason Giambi, after allegations of steroid usage began to swirl. What happened to some of the others on the Mitchell Report that were getting by on “raw talent”? Eric Gagne is another example. Now he's just a closer. But as a user, he was God. The before and after pictures show difference, and several studies have been conducted to solidify this fact. But I don’t need charts and figures to evaluate Paul Lo Duca. All I need are my eyes to see him sitting in a minor league dugout, while making claims that he didn’t need any physical aid.

The worst part of this is all the speculation that swarmed before the report was made public. Who was lying? Who was telling the truth? In the end, it appears only one man was truthful, though we all tagged him as a clown, and that man was Jose Canseco. And knowing this now, it has to make you wonder. Because though there is currently no direct link or paper trail that has surfaced, one name Canseco continues to throw out there is “Alex Rodriguez”.

... Is Jose still a liar?

DOH-mer Of The Week- Uneven Bars

To be uneven is to be unbalanced. It is a show of difference between one item and another. It is lopsided, inexact, irregular and unaligned. It is unequal, erratic, and weighted to one side. Uneven is a stanchion of gymnastics, along with the judging of Olympic games. Support for the home banner of stars and stripes may sometimes cast a false illusion of unfairness. But even through the dense fog of patriotism, it is evident when fleecing occurs.

In 2004, a Russian gymnast by the name of Svetlana Khorkina criticized the Olympic judging in Athens, claiming a show of favoritism towards the U.S. She followed up her statement by falling from the uneven bars and landing on her ass. And on a scale of comedic value, I would have given the bitch a “10”. Now I find myself in her position, and prepared to play the whiney bitch role, as 4 years later we move across the world.

Beijing is revisited, and this focus is on women’s (little girls) gymnastics. Here we’ll see athletes that have been training from the youngest of ages, sacrificing youth in search of perfection. We’ll then see them compete in an event where the score of “10” is nonexistent, letting each know they are less than perfect. Olympic Games are supposed to be free of politics, yet too often it’s politics deciding the order on a medal stand. And though champions are determined by a subjective judging system, the IOC should do a better job of masking favoritism and having it not appear so blatant.

The puberty of America finished with 8 medals, edging the Chinese toddlers by 2. But I believe it was “home cooking” that even made it close, unfairly awarding greater points for lesser Chinese routines. Drawing this conclusion was easy, as I watched judges hesitate to post scores. The wait should never be lengthy, when determining the individual score for one performance. The long pause between end of performance and the posting of an actual score can only occur if you take the time to compare other scores to determine just how much needs to be given to boost one girl above another or allow another girl to fall. It moved to a new level of embarrassment, as the crowd grew restless, and an IOC official had to approach the judges to inquire about the delay in posting a score for America’s Nastia Lukin. The fix was on, and Lukin was robbed. And the thievery wouldn’t end, as Lukin drew a tie for first on uneven bars, but receives a silver medal, based on a rare tie-breaking rule used by the IOC, despite the better performance. Yes, that’s my subjective take. Her performance was “better”.

There is no true measure to determine the greatness of a performance, when the system is based on opinions. It isn’t opinion that Usain Bolt is the fastest man in the world. It’s factual, based on head to head competition on a track. But gymnasts don’t race to the end of a beam, launch themselves higher on a vault or swing faster on bars. It’s all based on who likes you and who does not. But as subjective as it may be, the IOC has allowed unfairness to be more obvious, unlike the subjective voting of college football’s BCS or beauty pageants, that will at least cloud the favoritism behind a screen of smoke. Women’s gymnastics in the Summer and women’s figure skating in the winter. Two popular Olympic events, and two events swirling with more controversy than any other. Let’s go back to the days of just holding up a scorecard, when it all "appeared" to be fair. Scores were immediate, and leader boards changed just as quickly. The more you allow judges to prolong their decisions, the more focus will appear on that eventual score, sending ripples of scam throughout the world. This is something that hasn’t been fixed, and has been improperly addressed with new scoring methods. And for this, my DOH-mer belongs to the IOC. They can now go ahead and thank all the little people (judges) that made this possible. Just don't thank God or mention Jesus Christ, unless you want to be deported from the country before the games are complete.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Proud as a P’Cock

I’d like to begin this by saying, due to the blatant censorship by the Chinese government, as much as I’d like to give a DOH-mer to Chinese rower Zhiang Liang for showing up at the wrong location and at the wrong time, which cost the Chinese two medals, I can’t. Apparently we aren’t allowed to dishonor their countrymen or their nation. Well, at least not until the Olympics are over…I don't understand why we can't show China for what it is or why Chris Collinsworth is an Olympic analyst. I'm irked by both.

Despite the censorship, NBC is cashing in on Beijing. Ratings are soaring, as they play the role of puppet. Events are aired worldwide, and they continue to focus on the beauty and hospitality of China. It doesn’t matter that an American tourist was killed over the weekend, because by Tuesday it was all hushed. On with the beautification, despite the tragedy of an obvious targeted killing. On any other day, let's criticize China for their lack of freedoms, history of cover ups, and bad politics. But when there’s money to be made, and for two weeks of the summer, let us then become China.

China is noted for the manufacturing and display of fireworks. Knowing this, they give us fake pyrotechnics during the opening ceremonies, which NBC airs as a real occurrence. For purposes of dramatics, along with keeping the American public watching and waiting, Did NBC also alter the order of countries in the opening parade, pushing the United States back, and bringing others forward? Since the countries enter in alphabetical order, it would be an obvious alteration. Wouldn’t it? Take a look at the photograph of the two adorable little girls below:

The girl on the left was told she was too ugly to sing at the opening ceremonies. But because of her great voice, the girl on the right (who couldn’t hold a damn note if she wanted to) lip-synched to the words of the first girl, all captured by NBC. Apply a little make-up to each girl, and suddenly they are transformed from 7 year olds and into 16 year old Chinese gymnasts. If the Chinese government says they are 16, and they have official government documents saying they are 16, then you know damn well they are 16. Would the Chinese government ever lie to you?

Moving along, George Bush and Vladimir Putin are suddenly fans of Olympic sports? Are you buying that? NBC is selling it. They’ve captured George Bush everywhere, not once mentioning his true purpose in China. It’s not about Olympiads. It’s about capitalism, and looking to profit from the booming Chinese economy. Say it for what it is, and stop trying to tell me our president traveled half way around the world because he’s a f**king fan of women’s beach volleyball. General Motors sells twice as many automobiles in China than they do in America. The vehicles aren’t even imported. They are manufactured in the country, from their own GM plants. The presence of Bush, Putin, and any other world leaders in Beijing isn’t about sport. It’s about cashing in on a crop that has been growing wild for the past 12 years…and somehow Chris Collinsworth is an Olympic analyst.

And aside from the politics, what about the programming? Don’t put the word “live” in the corner of my screen, when it’s not. I’m not stupid enough to fall for it, seeing that people are blogging about the results before you even air the damn event. And as for my local NBC news, you must think we are all f**king idiots or you’re extremely arrogant, to continue with the annoying announcement that states, “If you don’t want to see the results, then turn your heads from the screen now”. Unless you live in a cave, it’s impossible to not know Olympic results. And to think that you are the only one carrying those results and a simple head turn will keep from spoiling the ending is a joke. This isn’t Government run television. People have other sources of news. You 'cocks control the video feeds, but you don't have results under lock and key. Do you think Michael phelps ignores the scoreboard, and looks over at an NBC employee for the official results? Or better yet, maybe he turns his head, to not spoil the ending.

50 million viewers on the West coast miss out on early events that were purposely scheduled in China to give us something “live”. The east coast can watch the Mens basketball team play live. On the west coast, the games air one hour after the event is complete. More basketball aired today, with the same routine. Why? Who is the DOH-mer that figured people out west wouldn’t get up at 7 in the morning to watch, but somehow they can watch at 10 a.m….from WORK! Wouldn’t it be more logical to air it live, and people can watch as they prepare for work, than to air it tape delayed, at a time of day when the working man can’t watch? Why am I watching synchro diving, while the east coast is watching Phelps go for another gold? Why don’t we get the English translation for anything Bella Karoli has to say? Why is Chris Collinsworth a f**king Olympic analyst?

And finally, on a serious note, the cameras had no problem showing protest against the United States’ occupation of Iraq during the 2004 Olympics in Athens. Not only will NBC comply with the Chinese government, by not showing any protests against the nation, but they also avoid any conversations about it. Free press? Not a chance. The media is controlled by ratings, and what can be generated by them. Everyone looks to profit somehow and in someway, but when you willfully strip yourself of one of America’s longstanding freedoms to give “Americans” coverage of “American” athletes, you’re not truly acting as an “American”, are you? NBC has shown that corporate greed is greater than the freedoms Americans have fought and died for. Instead of telling the Chinese to go f**k themselves, the ‘cocks got on their knees and kissed their asses. The pen is mightier than the sword, but even a child knows paper covers rock. Someone is getting their paper...and a DOH-mer to go with it.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Who Was That Masked Man?

We quickly approach the gathering of nations, blanketed beneath the cover of goodwill, unity, and healthy sport. From many countries they come to represent a single Olympiad. And though the Olympic games are always a gamble with success or failure, it took a real DOH-mer to choose Beijing as the host site for 2008.

Healthy sport? Not a f**king chance. The Olympic motto is “Swifter, Higher, stronger”, but in terms of the Beijing games, this is descriptive of the toxins filling the air of the city. Olympic athletes are already bothered , before competition even begins. Some have chosen to arrive late, to avoid training in a toxic cloud. Some are choosing not to participate in opening ceremonies, to lessen the poison intake, or attend those ceremonies wearing masks. Wearing a mask? Isn’t that slapping the face of the host government that invited the world in? We don’t readily know the faces of most Olympic athletes, until competition begins. And we sure as hell won’t know the faces parading opening ceremonies, if protective coverings leave them hidden.

The Chinese government makes the claim that particulate matter, carbon monoxide, sulfer dioxide, and nitrogen dioxide have decreased 13.8% in Beijing’s air since winning the Olympic bid. But of course, this is the same Chinese government that will say, “What political protests are you speaking of?” You didn’t really believe Baghdad Bob was the world’s only liar, did you? The Chinese claim was debunked by an American Scientist, saying the statistical gains were achieved by simply moving their measuring materials to less polluted areas of the city. That's a pretty slick move, and could have been effective, if they hid the sh*t cloud behind a mountain.

And how dare some people say it’s no different than Los Angeles hosting the Olympics in 1984? Any Angelinos you see wearing masks are probably fresh off rhinoplasty, and not fearing lung disease. That's an apples and oranges comparison, and I'm offended enough to trash your city in an article..like this one. I don't speak any of the Chinese dialects, so I'm not sure what they named the Beijing mascot, but somehow I believe the English translation would be "Smoggy".

Aside from the smoke filled skies, what about the politics? Why would you allow an Olympiad to be held in a political war zone? If Beijing can host this year, The Gaza strip should bid on the next one. Truth of the matter is, violent protests don’t decrease with the world’s media coming to town. They increase to the point where they light a fire under your ass. You want the world to know your struggles? Blow some sh*t up or start clubbing someone, then wait for the government to react in their usual manner, with the cameras rolling. Paint your signs and stage your sit ins, and wait for the government to violently disburse the crowd. If they refrain from violence and rallies increase, you win. If they use violence in front of a worldwide audience, you win again, so f*ck it.

The point is, none of the Beijing events are new, so what would prompt someone to give them the bid? Is it an experiment to see if doping athletes can sprint towards world records with oxygen tanks weighing them down? Or maybe it’s to show us that that the "shot put" isn’t just an Olympic event, but it’s also a way of expressing opinion on the Beijing streets. It’s a bad place at a bad time. And for making this decision, I have to give the IOC a DOH-mer. You're not giving us an Olympiad. You're giving us "Survivor-Beijing".

DOH-mer Of The Week- F#@k Sports, I’m going after Walmart

I don’t care what you did in the world of sports last week. You could have rushed the baseball mound, and then fired a 100 mph fastball into the stands that knocks a spectator on his ass, and I’m not touching it. It can be marijuana possession, DUI or domestic violence, and I wouldn’t give a sh*t. The court can give you a small $100 fine for putting a bag over your son’s head or the NFL refused to give a fine or suspension for you runnning someone over with your Lexus, and I won’t care. Well, at least not this week. I’ve got the world’s largest retailer in my crosshairs. This cheap labor having, overtime without payment implementing, undocumented worker hiring, racial profiling Mega-store’s ass is mine.

Let me take you to the beginning, so you know exactly how everything went down:

The Mission: We have an elderly gentleman and his wife that room with us for one week out of each month. That week is usually scheduled for doctor appointments and blood work, so they need the assistance getting him around. This elderly gentleman has several health problems, so he has many needs. On Friday, they needed someone to run to Walmart and pick up a package of adult diapers, so I volunteered, and the saga began.

Phase I: I arrive at the local Walmart, and entering the building, passing the so called “greeters”, which I really know are people more likely stationed to pay attention to those exiting the store than anyone entering, I received the fake “hello” and moved on to the pharmacy area.

Phase II: I’m standing in an aisle, viewing a variety of packages of adult diapers, and not seeing the one I was told to pick up. I get on my cell phone, make a call, and start explaining to the woman who sent me that they have everything but the package she requested (the empty space on the counter was probably where they were). I scanned the shelves maybe two or three times, wanting to be sure I hadn’t missed it, before I decided to leave.

Phase III: While I’m telling the woman that I’m now positive that they’re out, I hear a voice on the store’s public address system, and it was pretty damn loud. The voice said, “Security cameras, please scan the pharmacy area.” I then did a quick scan of the pharmacy area myself, and found that I was the only person in it.

Phase IV: Are you sh*tting me? Walmart pegged me for a thief, and of adult diapers, no less? Who was the f*cking genius in charge on that night? Obviously, whoever it was, came to a quick conclusion that I was someone that couldn’t hold my bladder, but damn sure had a pocket that could hold a package containing 50 adult diapers. Of all the products offered at Walmart, who the hell steals adult diapers? What exactly is the going rate on the streets for that hot item?..AND WHY AM I PROFILED AS AN ADULT DIAPER BANDIT?!?!?

Completion: I decided to let the a*shole follow me around the store, whoever the DOH’mer was that made the announcement. I got on my phone, struck up a conversation with a friend, and walked up and down every f*cking Walmart aisle. I stood in the “Women’s panties” section for at least 15 minutes, after which I then found the aisle containing tampons and panty shields. Hell...WHY NOT?!

I can now tell you every damn thing Walmart has to sell, and damn near give you all the prices. I eventually made my way back to the pharmacy, and being the smartass that I am, I pushed the button that signals that a customer needs assistance. Do you know it took more than 15 minutes for someone to show up to help me? What the f*ck were they doing, drawing straws, and the loser had to face me? A woman finally arrived (and she was probably the smallest person on staff, poor thing) and I asked about the next shipment of adult diapers. She said a truck arrives that night, but wasn’t sure about the inventory, and our conversation was done, along with my Walmart trip.

When I was younger, a couple of my best friends (one a blonde haired Mormon and the other a full blooded Irishman) would ask me to go to the store with them. The purpose being (believe it or not), so they could have me walk down an aisle and draw attention, while they stuffed their pockets with everything they needed. This was one of those times I wished they were available.

I’m sure Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are available, but why call a couple of DOH’mers to complain about another one? Can you feel me?

DOH-mer Of The Week- And people are sh**ting on Emmitt?

Once again, we’ll grace the halls of a sports media giant. It’s the return to the scene of a crime, again, and again….and again. It’s not by accident that ESPN often lands in the DOH-mer crosshairs. The odds are in their favor. To find a DOH-mer, I have to go through the media, so it’s very likely that I’ll find one on staff, and I did. Actually, I found a few in the past week, and honestly couldn't say which stood out more. In their honor, we'll have a group hug.

Although the network had a brain fart, by allowing Nelly (of Hip Hop fame) to sit in as a guest analyst on “First and ten”, “cold pizza” or “whatever the hell you want to name the show next week”, it was somewhat hilarious to see a rapper give the more supportive argument of points, and actual win debates, against Skip Bayless. But then again, it’s Skip f*cking Bayless. Is that really an incredible feat? I guess it’s not an oddity to have celebrity guest appearances, since Jim Rome has Roger Lodge as a regular on his “sports” panel, which I always viewed as a "friendship hiring". What else can it possibly be?

Rodger Lodge once had a sports radio gig, but seriously, I see the man and think of him hosting “blind date”. Roger shouldn’t give me an analysis on which team is the best fit for Brett Favre. He should be telling me who Favre should be porking on a one night stand. Let the others on the panel talk about sports, and have Lodge chime in when the conversation shifts to Romo and Simpson, A-Rod and Madonna, or Bush and Kardashian. What’s next? Bob Barker’s ESPN early mock draft? Pfft!

I'm also not liking the female that will sometimes sit in for Jim Rome, while he's vacationing, which he does often. I don't know her name, and won't question her sports knowledge. But when you have a show called "Jim Rome is burning", at least try to appear a little angry, as you go through the list of topics to be "burning" on.

Speaking of baseball, sorta…but kinda not. I watched all the events from last week’s All Star festival. The events were carried by “Baseball Tonight” and their crew, which brings me to Emmitt Smith. Why is everyone always sh**ting on Emmitt, and criticizing his broadcast skills? Do these people not watch Baseball tonight?! In comparison to Eric Young, Emmit Smith is the Al Michaels or Joe Buck of ESPN analysts. Eric Young is probably a great guy, and I have nothing against him, but not everyone was made for television and radio. Just because you have a degree in communications, doesn’t mean you can communicate. Athletes mostly choose communication as their college majors, because it’s the easiest, aside from basket weaving. And I’m only guessing that Young has that major, so don’t quote me on that. Either way, Eric is giving us a few doses of:

Wit a bunt like dat, he gots to get to da bag.

When da ball leave his bat, he already be knowin’ it gone.

Dats what I’m talkin’ bout. You gots to know yo catcher.

It’s not what he says, because he makes a lot of sense. It’s just how he says it, and the tiny voice projecting it. I sometimes speak with broken English, but I could never sit in a studio, in front of a camera, speak like that, and call myself a professional. I couldn’t even find video of him speaking on the show, so I had to revert to the little guy's playing days, and him introducing himself and handing a young girl an autographed bat:

Y’all leave Emmitt alone! Anyone highly critical of the man obviously doesn't watch "Baseball Tonight", and only watches the NFL specific programming on ESPN. Turn it on one night, and see for yourselves what I'm talking about.

With another DOH-mer (and more criticism of ESPN), I think I can say, with some certainty, that I’ve shattered every dream of ever working for the network.

Oh well. Is Fox Sports hiring?

DOH-Mer Of The Week- Tiger Stripes

Be on the look out for a white Ford Bronco, traveling south on Interstate 5 and carrying a large man by the name of Odell Thurman. Eh…That’s not going to work, so let’s make it a bit more modern, and put him in a Black Escalade or an energy saving Hybrid. Another Bengal f*cked up. Is that news? Not even close. “FU’s” can probably be found on Cincinnati stat sheets. Bengals 4 Opponents 1, and Cincinnati wins again.

But honestly, this isn’t even about Odell Thurman, because that’s too damn easy. I could give him the award, end this entry right here, and just call it a day. But I can’t, because this is bigger than Odell and any single player. This is about my petition to update prison attire to the black and orange stripes of Cincinnati. Unfortunately, my petition isn’t even original, because the actions of Bengals management put theirs on the table first.

Teams go into the off-season trying to determine their necessities and fill those holes. You make a list, and you check them off, then head into the new season as a much improved unit. After viewing the Bengals draft, and signings to this date, I’ll assume their checklist appeared as:

Linebacker
Wide Receiver
Defensive End
F*ck Up

The Bengals recently signed their fifth round draft selection, Jason Shirley, from Fresno State. In case you planned on viewing his 2007 college statistics, don’t bother, because you’ll find very little. In August of ‘07, he was suspended by Coach Pat Hill for “conduct detrimental to the team”. Following reinstatement, he was again suspended, 2 months later, and this time for “driving under the influence” and “hit and run”. Only 5 weeks passed, and he was then given a third chance. And in November, he was dismissed permanently, after being cited for “driving with a suspended license” and “expired registration”. This came just “2 days” after his reinstatement. In less than a year, Shirley has gone from citations, arrests, and suspensions to the stripes and payroll of the Cincinnati Bengals.

The off-season philosophy appears to be finding replacements for Odell Thurman and Chris Henry, and I’m not talking about the talents of those players. One player down (check), and just one more to go. While other GMs were evaluating players at the NFL scouting combine, it's obvious that Cincinnati GMs took in another viewing of "The longest yard".

I’m usually the person defending a player and preaching for second chances. Hell, life has given me second and third chances, maybe even a fourth. But I also know that the betterment of a person doesn’t come with grouping bad characters together. I had to separate myself from the bad influences, before I could become the model citizen that I am today. That’s why I feel prison is a horrible method of rehabilitation, because any prisoner in general population isn’t going to learn to change his or her ways, as much as they’re going to learn more dirty sh*t they can do when they get out. One of the best things that ever happened to the Federal Penitentiary was having Martha Stewart as an inmate. Those women didn’t only learn to poison husbands, shoplift, and locate the most productive street corners for selling ass. Thanks to Martha, they also learned to bake cookies. Charles Manson would be a new man, if Emeril ever got arrested.

Team chemistry is very important to team success. And you may even see less talented teams overachieving, because they work well as a unit. The Bengals have failed to have (or be) a unit for the past few years. They have tigers changing their stripes and disrupting the flow. Key players are here today and gone tomorrow, just to start all over again. And though I may seem a bit harsh on Jason Shirley, he’s not my target. He can go on to have an amazing NFL career, maybe even pick up a Nobel Peace prize to add to future MVP trophies. But an organization that is so torn, and still taking chances, is reason enough for me to give the Bengals a DOH-mer.

People can say what they want about the Cowboys picking up Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, etc, but that’s still a team in Dallas. The Bengals haven’t resembled one, despite having a talented roster. And instead of selecting wisely, bringing in more character to provide leadership, and begin a mending process, they’ve taken another chance on something that can blow up in their face. Victories come in the locker room, before you ever run from that tunnel. New Bengals will run onto a field in 2008, while old Bengals are running from the law. Either way, the organization has made no attempt to run from their image.

DOH-mer Of The Week- A Rose by any other name

I’ve spent the last week watching the sports headlines surface, and one particular baseball story caught my eye. It was a story about homerun king Barry Bonds(*) and the controversy surrounding the record breaking homerun ball. Bonds wants it in the Baseball Hall of Fame, but not with an asterisk. The owner of the ball was willing to donate it to the hall, but with an asterisk. The whole thing made me realize the stupidity of Major League Baseball's decision makers. And when I speak of this stupidity, I’m not speaking directly of Bonds(*) and his ball, though he is indirectly a part of this conversation.

Here we are in 2008, and people want a battle of the balls. That’s a minor issue, and an easy decision. But hey, what about Pete Rose? What is the expiration date for baseball stubbornness? How long will they keep one of the greatest hitters of all time out of the Hall of Fame, because he gambled on games? Sure, I understand that when the sentence was handed down, and he received that lifetime ban, the league was looking to protect the integrity of the game. But if you’re honestly in the business of protecting integrity, why the f**k is there even a debate or controversy over the homerun ball of BaROID Bonds(*)?

Did the DOH-mers not see the Mitchell report? Integrity is all but gone. How many future Hall of Famers on that list? How many league MVPs and Golden gloves? How many Cy Young award winners? Where is that damn integrity to protect, because I see nothing but an empty box?

Where was the integrity, when Gaylord Perry was inducted into the Hall? Perry’s claim to fame is “cheating”. Perry has an autobiography titled “Me and the Spitter”, meaning he's even cheating the English language, because we all know it should be "The spitter and I". Perry once approached the makers of “Vaseline”, looking to be their spokesperson! His former manager, Gene Mauch, once said, “He should be in the Hall of Fame with a tube of KY Jelly attached to his plaque”. And the list of cheaters doesn’t end With Perry, because Whitey Ford, another notorious cheater, is also in the Hall. What is our integrity lesson of the day? Cheaters are rewarded. Gamblers are punished.

Maybe it’s just because Rose doesn’t have the baseball clout. After all, a lifetime ban is exactly that, banishment for a lifetime. Yankees Boss, George Steinbrenner, was given a lifetime ban from baseball in 1990. And I then witnessed a modern day miracle, as Steinbrenner obviously died in ’93, and resurrected in the same year. Ban lifted! George begins his second life, so you can’t count the previous ban against him. Strangely enough, he’s reincarnated as the Yankees boss. What are the odds on that? Maybe I'll ask Pete if he went with the spread.

Why the hell are we quarreling over baseballs hit by steroid users? And why the hell does BaROID(*) feel he has any say in how the ball would be displayed? If it were up to me, I’d agree with him, and present it without the asterisk, but have a hypodermic needle hanging from the stitches.

Say what you want about Pete Rose and his gambling, but it’s obviously more of a personal issue between Rose and some of the baseball powers that be, than it is about integrity. Don’t bullsh*t me. Looking at some of the players the league has lined up for future induction, Mark McGwire(*), Rafael Palmeiro(*), and Roger Clemens(*), along with some players holding records, BaROID Bonds(*), Eric Gagne(*), and any other junkie I may have missed, it’s going to be a while before the league ever has a clean list for an induction year. Greg Maddux, Trevor Hoffman, and Tom Glavine will get in, but who will be their first ballot competition?

As we stand now, with the lack of integrity in the game, it will take over a decade to regain a clean image. Until that 5 year old corn fed slugger from the fields of Nebraska matures, and appears on a major league diamond, we’re left with the impurities and human pincushions of the sport. Without a doubt, with baseball now under the microscope and secrets exposed, now is the Time to give the public something long overdue, and celebrate the achievements of Pete Rose.

Allow Rose into the Hall, and stop staring at BaROID’s(*) balls.

DOH-mers!

DOH-mer Of The Week- Justice or Just-us?

Let’s give a shout out to Judge Thomas Gagola. And instead of leaving you sitting there thinking, “who the f**k is that”, I’ll give you a description. As last seen, Judge Gagola was on his knees, with lips puckered and planted firmly on the a$$ cheeks of Bills’ running back Marshawn Lynch. Gagola, my Doh-mer, gave even more proof that our court systems function with favoritism, and they’ll bend to give a smooch to the buttocks of a star, but when it comes to the average man, they bend us over.

Everyone is well aware that Marshawn Lynch went to court to face charges for a hit-and-run accident. From the moment of the occurrence, there was the anticipation of an outcome. Well, that outcome has come and gone. And in the end, Lynch’s wallet is $150 lighter and his license (that he only had for one day) is suspended. And no, I didn’t leave any zeros off the posted amount.

I’ve had speeding tickets more costly, and hit nothing but the gas. $150 wouldn’t cover the transport fee for the woman struck in the street by Lynch, assuming paramedics took her to the hospital. The woman suffered a bruised hip and required 7 stitches to close a wound. Anyone that’s ever been to a hospital emergency room knows that stitches are going for at least $250 each. This woman took the brunt of the punishment, with Lynch receiving none. I can't blame Lynch for that, even though he's a Golden Bear, and I'd really love to.

Lynch claimed he saw the woman, but never realized he struck her. He was said to react with a state of shock, when told that there are no speed bumps in the area he was driving. And in my defense of Mr. Lynch, it’s apparent that the noticeable damage to his vehicle, resulting from the incident, doesn’t signal that he hit someone, but says that maybe she hit him….... Okay, poor defense, but I tried.

When a person is stopped and blows a .08 in a breathalyzer, they’re cited for drunk driving. I don’t know about the rest of the country, but that’s an expensive citation in my parts. You begin with court fees, court ordered substance abuse classes (at your expense), license suspension, and any possible attorney fees. In the end, that .08 may cost you thousands of dollars, and you didn’t hit anyone.

The message is pretty clear, as laid down by Judge Doh-mer and the NY state courts. If you are driving reckless, and you strike someone, don’t stop and check on your victim. Drive your stupid a$$ home, park in the driveway, and wait for the police to come to you. That’s only 150 bucks! If you were drunk, wait at least 4 days ,as Lynch did (not that he was drunk, but just saying), before making a formal appearance and giving a response to the accident. Do you think that would work for you? What's your time in the 40 yard dash?

There’s celebrity justice, and then there’s just-us. The gap between them is greater than the space separating talent between Bills and Patriots. Supposedly, Sheriff Goodell is going to look into the incident, but what the f**k for? A $150 fine? What would the NFL punishment be for a fine so small? Destroying the tapes?

So, in closing, if you happen to catch a Bills game this season, and you see that robed object Marshawn Lynch is dragging behind on the field. Just know that it’s my Doh-mer, with his lips still fully attached.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Bob and Mary Sh**ting In A Tree

With the Beijing Olympics quickly approaching, the eyes of the world are slowly opening to the human rights violations and atrocities imposed on Tibetans by the Chinese government. It has sparked worldwide protests and threatens to disrupt the Olympic Games. It’s a call for righteousness and a show of support for your fellow man... Meanwhile, in Berkeley California, we have a group of adults living on the branches, in defense of a tree.

In northern California, students are sitting (and sh**ting) in a tree. Their “peaceful” protest has now reached 18 months, and they celebrate every court order that stops construction of UC Berkeley’s $140 million athletic complex that is to sit adjacent to the stadium, though the orders are absent their intentions or agenda. I see a group of attention whores, trying to stake a claim to fame, by extending the life of a tree. I see a group raising painted signs on construction paper, which just happens to be made from trees. I see a woman calling herself “dumpster muffin”, standing atop a self made wooden platform, which in my guess...originated from a tree.

Don’t get me wrong, because I have concerns for the environment, when those concerns are warranted. Some protesters claim the trees are property of the Native Americans indigenous to the area, and part of their heritage. Truth is, the university planted the trees, and will replant a new crop elsewhere. Some claim the construction would force wildlife from their homes and natural habitat. Well, guess who was evicted months ago, when you took up residence in the treetops? Some claim it’s a peaceful protest, though officers attempting to place barriers to surround the tree are being pissed on and splattered by human excrement.

Question: If I’m sitting in a tree, hurling a handful of my own sh*t at the people below, where do I wash my hands?

Despite the arrests and citations for trespassing, the sitters and sh**ters are still there. They celebrate the latest court order, which claims construction cannot continue, because the new facility will sit on an active fault and risk collapse. But if the athletic complex is to be anything like the Cal football program, regardless of where you build it, collapse will occur in as little as two years.

Some people choose their battles wisely, and others choose to battle for media coverage. The neighbors of the proposed facility have a legitimate gripe, because the new structure would increase traffic in an already congested area. The state has a legit gripe, because public safety comes before anything else, and they cannot allow the construction of a facility that won’t meet safety requirements. The indigenous people can gripe, because a burial ground is located in the area. But these tree sitting DOH-mers are mixed about the reasons for a cause that has driven them into a tree house. Depending on who you interview, you’ll get a different answer, and that's because the truthful response to why they continue is "coverage".

They should turn on their televisions and see human sacrifice throughout the world, with hopes of bettering the lives of those left behind. But instead, these birdbrains stay perched, probably hoping to reach another fall and football season, so the cameras can find them again. I believe 18 months of finding areas and planting new trees would have been more beneficial than spending that amount of time sitting in one. After all, it’s not their presence that stopped construction, since the state has given the university all right to remove them from the trees. They could have slept in their own beds every night for the past 18 months, and those trees would still be there in morning. But sleeping in their own bed makes them the nobodies they were before making the climb. Now high above the crowd, they've become that special "somebody". They're my DOH-mers.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Nothing But Strikes

Remember a time when men were men and competed like warriors in sport? Remember “no layup” rules in basketball, no face masks on football helmets, and a pitcher regularly tossed nine innings? Rules change with the times, as health becomes a concern, and a player no longer appears as a competitor, but more as a business investment. But in my opinion, it’s a travesty to hear any high ranking “sports” executive whining about his “athlete” injuring himself while attempting to run “180 feet”.

My DOH-mer, Yankees Co-Chairman Hank Steinbrenner, actually had the nerve to criticize the National league for allowing men to be men. He made references to the league rule on pitchers batting as being outdated, and calling for the National league to step into the 21st century. He’s lobbying for a designated hitter for both leagues, so they can be uniformed b*tches.

As a child, baseball is a game that consists of throwing, running, fielding, and batting. Why does Steinbrenner feel adults are incapable of fulfilling two of the tasks that children perform on the diamond? Children bat and run for free, but adult members of the millionaires club can’t. Does that make any sense? If anything, get your money’s worth. So, you lost a starting pitcher for 6-8 weeks, because he didn’t know how to run bases properly. Whose fault is that? The National League? Get the f*ck out of here! Maybe as an “athlete” they should be trained as one in the spring. Maybe he can try that "Viagra" therapy or get one of the shots Roger misrembers getting, and possibly be back on the mound in half the time.

The Yanks have bad luck when it comes to pitching, and Hank’s firing in the wrong direction. Over the years, he couldn’t blame the National league for injuries suffered by Randy Johnson, Andy Pettitte, Kevin Brown, etc. Kevin Brown broke his hand, punching a wall in the Yankee dugout. Let’s blame that on the f*cking Dodgers! Roger Clemens was given a year’s salary for pitching one damn month. Let’s blame that on the Astros! Better yet, Hank, the next time your club is involved in a brawl, instruct your dainty men of the mound not to engage in combat. And not because they may be struck by someone, but because they may break a foot, while running the 180 feet from the dugout to join the melee.

The New York Yankees have more championships than any franchise in sports. To obtain those championships, at some point, their pitchers had to lift bats and run bases. And just think, if this Puss, Steinbrenner, was in charge during the early days of the game, a great pitcher by the name of Babe Ruth may have never swung the bat.

I played baseball at the little league and High school levels. I pitched, which meant I also hit and ran. I think to myself, If I was drafted and played in the American league, I wouldn’t have to hit or run. But I also think the same, if I played women’s softball. And of course, there’s one distinct similarity between the New York Yankees and Women's softball, and that would be the thongs beneath the uniform.

Go do your b*tching and complaining somewhere else. Leave the National League alone, because it’s baseball played in the purest form. Go stroke your Wang’s …ego, and tell him it’s not his fault. According to Hank Steinbrenner, American league pitchers should throw strikes with every toss, because they surely have no balls.

DOH-MER!