DOH-mer Of The Week- Premature Ejaculation

I see it every year, and each time I’m irked. I only see it in baseball, but if it exists in other professional sports, do me a favor and let me know. I’m talking about the season climax that comes much too soon. I’m talking about the chorus of screams combined with flowing liquid, which I’ve always translated as completion of a goal and fulfillment of a dream. It’s an athletic orgasm, before you ever get those regular season pants off.

I understand that baseball consists of a rigorous 162 game season. I understand that to finish the regular season with even more games to play is an accomplishment. But what I don’t understand is the champagne parties, field romping, and frenzy that follow the announcement that you have done nothing more than won your division, or even worse, that you qualified as a “wildcard”.

I can maybe cut division winners some slack, but it would be very little. Franchises fly division championship banners at their stadiums and arenas, regardless of sport. The franchise is recorded in the books as the champion for that year. But still, isn’t the celebration a bit over the top, with so much work left to be done. Isn’t it “World Series champs or bust”? And what’s with that wildcard celebration, with printed AL or NL “wildcard” T-shirts included. Can you imagine the Atlanta Hawks having a champagne party for slipping into the NBA playoffs? Can you imagine last year’s Titans or Jaguars having a wildcard celebration that would rival Superbowl Champions? Win the pennant, and a party may be somewhat suffice. But why the overly exaggerated celebrations for making the playoffs, then again for doing nothing more than winning in the first round?

To me, these celebrations are equivalent to a coach receiving a Gatorade Bath at halftime, when you still have 2 quarters to play. The Chicago Cubs had one of these celebrations, and failed to win a single game in the post-season. They had this celebration, after the first quarter, with 3 quarters remaining before the trophy could be raised. Was the champagne flow a symbol that the curse was broken? Hell no! Are fans of the Cubbies satisfied, because their team qualified for the playoffs, but didn’t go any farther? Pfft! The whole thing is pointless, if it doesn’t come with the grand prize. How many coaches over the years have taken part in those celebrations, only to lose their jobs in following weeks? How many players celebrated, only to worry about job security a week later, or begin negotiations with other franchises before all division series are complete?

I can even look at the Dodgers and Rays, and maybe have some sympathy, but I won’t. At this point, the Rays are viewed as remarkable for their turn around. Get bounced from the playoffs or lose in the world series, and no one will remember or give a sh**. Remember the 2001 Seattle Mariners (who?), tying the Major League record with 116 wins in the regular season? So what? The Mariners have still failed to make a World Series appearance in their history. But hey, at least they had a party for one night. Right? Those Northwestern champagne spillers are known today as one of the biggest busts in baseball history. And out in L.A, the Dodgers had been playoff limp for 20 years, before using the Cubs as Viagra. They’ve won a playoff series. Is it time to party? What the f*** for? There’s more work to do. I don’t care how many times you make it to the post season, or how many wins you accumulate in that post season, because it’s all about finishing on top. You can win a playoff series and still finish among the year’s losers. It’s all or nothing. And if you don’t believe me, the fact that the Indians, Cubs, and some others are still considered “cursed” says it. Those clubs have won in the playoffs throughout the years, but all came up short of “finishing”. You know… the climax? If you don't finish, what's the difference between the Angels and the Royals? Aren't they both losers?

So, my DOH-mer goes to these groups of men, acting like an alcoholic that has been dry for weeks and just waiting and willing to find a reason to have a boozy celebration for even the slightest of reasons. After all, the Atlanta Braves won a record 14 consecutive division titles. That’s at least 14 locker room parties, while only tasting the championship once. In comparison, the Florida Marlins won the World Series twice in 6 years, without ever winning that Braves dominated Eastern division. The lesson learned is, at least get through the foreplay and actual act, before trying to fake an orgasm.

Off Topic: Does baseball need the Dodgers and Red Sox?

Going into the baseball postseason, several storylines surfaced, along with potential in-state world series match ups. In Southern California, fans are hopeful for the long awaited “freeway” series, with both the Dodgers and Angels qualifying for the playoffs. The windy city remains hopeful that the Cubs would meet the White Sox. Floridians look for their beloved Rays to complete their run from worse to first. And as for Beantown, they are the defending champions looking to build on their own legacy. And of course, if those Sox of Boston face the Cubs of Chi-Town, we’ll have the cursed of yesterday versus the curse of today, with all games played in historic ballparks. But with all this potential, and World Series ratings mostly miserable in previous years, which World Series contest would be best for baseball? The answer is about as simple as the NBA needing (and getting) the Celts and Lakers in the finals. Major League Baseball needs the Red Sox and Dodgers.

No disrespect to any of the other franchises still competing, but if there was ever a series to pump the ratings, this would be it. Fewer mid-season trades were greater than the Sox sending Manny Ramirez to Los Angeles. It resulted in the Dodgers being launched to the top of the NL West and into championship contention. Let’s just imagine all the hype that would surround a Dodgers/Red Sox World Series. Let’s imagine Manny, now clad in Dodger blue, being greeted at Fenway. Let’s imagine Theo Epstein sitting there hoping and praying that his defending champions won’t lose to an opponent that has an increase in power, based on his decision to trade.

Outside of the Ramirez drama, look at Joe Torre. The former Yankees skipper was forced out of New York, and would be in position to win another Series, as Hank Steinbrenner and the Yankees’ roster watches from their living rooms. From 3,000 miles across country, Torre can still act as a thorn in the Red Sox sides. Would the people in New York have interest in this series? Damn right they would. Torre, as a Yankees manager, rallied his team from late season deficits to participate in October. Now Torre, as a Dodgers manager, did the same for the blue crew, with the Dodgers needing a fierce run in the final weeks to overtake the division leading Diamondbacks. For everyone in New York that said Torre was the problem with the Yanks, it's time to rethink that. It's another season without vacationing in October, regardless of league and roster.

And let’s not forget Dodger owner Frank McCourt and the tale of two cities. McCourt, a Boston man has been building what I like to call “Red Sox West” in Los Angeles. If you just look at his actions over the years, you can see that he’s a fan of the Red Sox, though he owns the Dodgers. Since McCourt took ownership of the Dodgers in ’04, he’s acquired former Red Sox lovechild, Nomar Garciaparra, hired and fired former Red Sox manager Grady Little, brought former Red Sox ace Derek Lowe to L.A, hired long time Red Sox coaching nemesis Joe Torre, and put Red Sox superstar Manny Ramirez in Dodger blue. I’m sure I’ve missed some other L.A/Boston connections in his 4 years of ownership, but you get the point.

A regional series is great for the town it’s being played in, but not good for baseball as a whole. “Worse to first” is a great story that may have a fairytale ending, but if the Rays’ own fans in Tampa don’t offer much interest in their home team, why should we think the rest of the nation would? The Cubs would draw a large audience, being centrally located, and with people having interest in the breaking or continuation of “the curse”, but much would be pending on the opponent. If baseball wants to make an October splash, there’s no better way than the Dodgers and the Red Sox. And of course, the worse case scenario may actually be the Brewers versus the Rays, but I don't see that happening.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Pin Cushion Performances

Once upon a time, I admired baseball’s Paul Lo Duca. He was the heart and soul of the Los Angeles Dodgers, the spark plug that brought energy to the team. He was our Major League All Star, and I was shocked and angered when he was traded to the Florida Marlins . He’s been well traveled since wearing that Dodger Blue, also spending time in New York and Washington. And even after his name appeared on the Mitchell Report, I respected the man for not denying the use of human growth hormones, and apologizing for breaking the rules.

But I've suddenly lost respect for him, as he resorted to giving one of the more popular responses used by players that have been caught. Lo Duca says it was hard work that made him an All Star, and that he was not assisted by the “performance” enhancing drugs. And you know, every time I hear this answer, I think to myself…”Then why use them?!

Did Bonds and Sheffield use the “magic lotion” to promote healthier looking skin that glistened in the sunlight? Clemens wasn't a doper. He was a cutter, sticker, poker or whatever you want to call him, using the needle as an emotional release. Maybe Marion Jones wasn't injecting to improve speed on the track, but told that the growth hormones would either reduce the size of her cuspids over time or increase the size of her other teeth, making her grill more uniformed. There are plenty of excuses that can be made for steroid use as a necessity outside of sports enhancement, but you really can't explain the severe decline in performance once an athlete is busted.

It’s understandable that some players resort to the use of banned substances to speed up the rehabilitation of injuries, though it’s still an outlawed act. But according to the Mitchell report, a healthy Paul Lo Duca purchased the supplements less than five weeks before the Dodgers traded him to the Florida Marlins. He made another purchase 8 days after he joined the Florida team. How is this fact and not allegation? The DOH’mer made the purchases using checks in his name, as did many other jackasses of Major League Baseball.

I see no reason to use the drugs, if they don’t improve athletic performance. And what I also see is a DOH’mer named Paul Lo Duca, barely called up from the “MINOR LEAGUES”, trying to tell the public that his All Star status was a product of raw ability alone. The Mitchell report surfaces, and the one time All Star suddenly descends to the lower levels of the game. It’s pretty much the same as the quick decline of former league MVP Jason Giambi, after allegations of steroid usage began to swirl. What happened to some of the others on the Mitchell Report that were getting by on “raw talent”? Eric Gagne is another example. Now he's just a closer. But as a user, he was God. The before and after pictures show difference, and several studies have been conducted to solidify this fact. But I don’t need charts and figures to evaluate Paul Lo Duca. All I need are my eyes to see him sitting in a minor league dugout, while making claims that he didn’t need any physical aid.

The worst part of this is all the speculation that swarmed before the report was made public. Who was lying? Who was telling the truth? In the end, it appears only one man was truthful, though we all tagged him as a clown, and that man was Jose Canseco. And knowing this now, it has to make you wonder. Because though there is currently no direct link or paper trail that has surfaced, one name Canseco continues to throw out there is “Alex Rodriguez”.

... Is Jose still a liar?

Off Topic: Many arrives; knows nothing about Dodgers

Manny Ramirez made his arrival in Los Angeles today and addressed the press. One thing he quickly learned is that he’ll fit right in, with this city having a very large Latino community. Just as quickly as the press conference began, is how quickly he started to take questions and give answers in Spanish. But based on some things said, Ramirez doesn’t know the Dodgers or this city.

When asked about his jersey number (99), Manny said he wasn’t sure why he was given that one, and that he requested No. 34 and doesn’t know what happened. What he obviously doesn’t know is that the No. 34 was worn by Dodger pitching legend Fernando Valenzuela. Manny was also asked about the city in general, and he claimed he’s only been here once for a Spring training game. I would take that as the record breaking attendance game played earlier this year in the Los Angeles coliseum between the Sox and Dodgers, in commemoration of the Dodgers’ 50 years in Los Angeles. But of course, that can’t be the only time he’s been here. Hello! The American League Angels play in this town. Sure, they technically play in Anaheim, but that’s like calling teams the Auburn Hills Pistons, Irving Cowboys, and the old Inglewood Lakers. They are the “Los Angeles” Angels of Anaheim.

One thing Manny does know about the Dodgers and Dodgers stadium is the dynamics and its notoriety of being a pitcher’s ballpark. He told the press not to expect him to be launching 40 homeruns out of this new stadium, as he did in Fenway Park. But anyone already in L.A, and knowing the Dodgers and their stadium, already know this as the obvious.

Welcome to L.A., Manny. I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of the place.

Off Topic: Yankees Arrogance Continues On

There isn’t a more arrogant group in the world of sports than the New York Yankees. I guess when you have more championships than any team (in any sport), you have a right to be. But arrogance often leads to asinine statements, based on opinion and views from the throne. Our team is the greatest, our players are the greatest, and we play for the greatest city in America. Each can be argued, and I’d probably find some legitimacy in them. But when it comes to the granddaughter of Babe Ruth requesting that her grandfather’s number be retired across the baseball board, I’m saying no, and I'll call out her arrogance.

Her claim is that Babe Ruth has done more for baseball than any other player in history. She claims he is the savior of the game. Her exact statement reads as follows, as she spoke about the retirement of Jackie Robinson’s number:

"I know it’s for sociological reasons, but why should that penalize my grandfather? I don’t understand that reasoning. Sociologically? Helping other people? Frankly, if Babe Ruth didn’t save baseball, there wouldn’t be a game for Jackie or anyone else to even play. Remember, after the [1919 Black Sox] scandal, everyone was disillusioned with baseball, and here comes my grandfather with his mighty bat, and he brought thousands of people back to the ballpark."

That's a great point, if you’re sitting on your high horse. But if she looked outside her Yankees box, she’d see others that saved the game. Baseball was up and down throughout its existence. The Black Sox scandal of 1919 may have brought fan skepticism and a plunge in interest, but the world at war nearly wiped out the game. The saviors then were the veterans of the armed forces returning. In 1945, with a slow trickle of stars returning from war and back to the diamond, major league attendance topped 10 million for the first time since 1930, and soared to over 18 million the following year.

Baseball took another hit with the strike of ’94, and even at strike’s end, the fan interest was low and fading. In 1998, 2 juiced sluggers pumped new life into the baseball audience, as fans watched Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in a race to break Roger Marist’s single season homerun record. Even in the midst of the steroids controversy, the fans had returned.

If we're retiring a jersey across the league, we need a sense of uniqueness about the individual. Is Babe Ruth the baseball savior? Does the bible only have one prophet? No. He doesn't stand alone, and certainly didn't play alone. A suffering game, regardless of sport, will bring many saviors. Magic Johnson and Larry Bird saved the NBA in the 80s. Hockey is slowly boosting its image, with an influx of young stars. It's speculation to say the Black Sox incident of 1919 would have eliminated fan interest in baseball forever, without the presence of Babe Ruth. In the 50s, a point shaving scandal was exposed in the NIT, crippling the credibility of the tournament. But here we are in 2008, with college basketball bigger than it was before then. The NFL's savior from "spygate" is named "The New York Giants". Imagine how ugly it would be if the Pats did achieve perfection.

Aside from his greatness on the baseball diamond, Robinson endured the degradation, racism, and death threats from fans not willing to accept change. Today, you look around the league at the number of African American players, Latin American stars, and the new wave of Asian migration, and his impact is loud and strong. Look back on the Black Sox of 1919, and it’s weakened and silenced. There isn't a Babe Ruth record that can't be broken several times, by several different players. Breaking a racial barrier can only be, and only needs to be, broken once.

Jackie Robinson’s Jersey (42) was retired by major league baseball in 1997. Ironically, the last active player to wear that number is current Yankees reliever Mariano Rivera. Robinson opened that door of racial opportunity, so Rivera could wear those pinstripes, that number, and have “New York” sewn across his chest. I can see it, and I’m sure Mariano does, as well. But those living inside that Yankees box of arrogance are still in the dark, and finding Babe Ruth to have a greater contribution to the game.

Besides, good luck on getting the Boston Red Sox to retire anything related to Babe Ruth.

'Title Town' search ends in Los Angeles

ESPN is spending its days searching the crevices of American cities for what they call “Title town”. But they can save fuel and travel costs, because the obvious choice sits out West, and I dare anyone to challenge it. The Boston area owns the most recent success, but even with all they’ve achieved over the past 5 years, they lag far behind the City of Angels.

Titletown is to be a gathering place of champions and legends of the game, and I doubt anyone across America has more to offer than this smog filled, star-studded, sports paradise along the Pacific Ocean. The numbers are as staggering as the names, and the venues echo with history and ghosts that romped to fame.

Today, Los Angeles is without an NFL franchise, but both the Los Angeles Coliseum and Pasadena Rose Bowl have hosted the NFL’s biggest game. Bart Starr rang in the Superbowl era with a victory on the Coliseum floor, and After trailing at the half, Terry Bradshaw orchestrated a second half masterpiece on the blades of Rose Bowl grass. The last championship for the Raiders was as a representative of the City of L.A., and the Rams were NFL champions in ’51, before moving on to Saint Louis and Superbowl stardom.

The Lakers arrived in Los Angeles, representing the first NBA dynasty, after winning championships in Minnesota in 1949, 1950, 1952, 1953, and 1954. They've added another 9 NBA titles, and the Staples Center rafters hold the jerseys of the NBA’s all time leading scorer (Kareem Abdul Jabbar), all time rebounder (Wilt Chamberlain), and 2nd all time in assists (Magic Johnson). Other legends wearing the purple and gold are Jerry West, Elgin Baylor, and James Worthy. They won 3 titles with future Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neil, and currently boast the league’s best player in Kobe Bryant. Phil Jackson has coached 9 champions, and though 6 were earned in Chicago, the triangle offense has been his greatest weapon against opponents. The architect of that offense, Tex Winter, is a USC graduate.

The Dodgers moved to L.A, after securing one title in Brooklyn. They added 5 more for the city, with their neighboring Angels adding another. Everyone remembers the famed Kirk Gibson homerun that added to the legends of Sandy Koufax, Maury Wills, Don Sutton, Tommy John, Don Drysdale and Fernando Valenzuela. Orel Hersheiser had a scoreless innings streak, and Eric Gagne had a record streak for saves. Nolan Ryan originally wore a halo, before moving on elsewhere in the league to establish records. And though Jackie Robinson is most remembered as a Brooklyn dodger, he was stealing bases for UCLA, before breaking any major league barriers.

When it comes to college sports, it’s a runaway. The USC Trojans are 12 time champions in baseball, and 11 times in football. No basketball program in the country has more titles than the 11 achieved by UCLA. UCLA is the first school to reach 100 combined national titles in sports. No other school has more Men’s team titles than USC. As one ESPN reporter put it, If USC was a country, they would have placed 16th in the medal count of the 2004 Olympic Games. Candace Parker has joined the WNBA’s L.A sparks, looking to build on a legacy that can possibly make her the greatest female basketball player in history. To do so, she needs to surpass 3 local products, Cheryl Miller (USC), Lisa Leslie (USC), and Ann Meyers (UCLA). 8 Heisman trophies have been won in Los Angeles, and the list of high profile athletes and coaches from USC and UCLA alone could easily create an all time greatest team in nearly any sport.

Though the Kings have no titles, the great one, Wayne Gretzky, skated on their ice. In Orange County, the Anaheim Ducks are just one year removed from Hockey superiority. Oscar De La Hoya and Bernard Hopkins fought their way from the L.A streets and to championship belts. The L.A Galaxy were kicking their way to the top of the soccer world, before adding David Beckham to market it. At UCLA, Arthur Ashe was setting the pace, and erasing color from the game of tennis. Across town, many years later, Venus and Serena Williams went from little girls in a big city to playing temporary roles as Queen of England. A 7 year old named Pete Sampras first picked up a racket in his Los Angeles area home, before he went on to rule the world.

The city has hosted 2 summer Olympiads. A young NBA prospect named Michael Jordan claimed his first Olympic gold in L.A. A young Boxer named Evander Holyfield was disqualified in ’84 for a knockout punch that came after the bell. Carl Lewis equaled the 4 golden moments of Jesse Owens' Berlin brilliance,and Mary Lou Retton became America's sweetheart.

Search no more, because this is "Title town". Is there another City to compare? You tell me, because I'm more than willing to listen and give it thought. As USC alumnus George Lucas would say, “The force has been with us.” And as for this article, as a young UCLA film student named Jim Morrison would put it, “This is the end.”