Trick or Treat: The most horrifying defeats in sports history

No matter which teams you follow and declare your loyalty, I’m sure there is a certain game you can reflect on as one of the most horrific defeats they’ve ever suffered. But just as Stanford and Appalachian State may have shocked the sports world in 2007, their upset victories over highly ranked Southern California and Michigan are mild in comparison to the teams on this list. There's nothing more newsworthy in the sports world than a good paddling. Regardless of sport or public interests in a particular game, if an opponent inserts a boot in your backside, we're going to read about it. A game that held no meaning before it was played, 100 years later can mean so much. And as long as we have guys like myself to blow the dust from history, we get another chance to relive the embarrassment.

SAW

(Georgia Tech 222, Cumberland 0)

This movie has many sequels, each revealing different methods of a slow torturous death. But even in the movie, the victims had options, though not fair, which could inevitably save their lives. In 1916, Cumberland College was given an option. Pay $3000 and the football team would be released from a standing agreement to play John Heisman’s Georgia Tech squad. Although the Cumberland football program had been discontinued, the agreement was still in place. Rather than fork over the 3 grand, George Allen assembled whichever able bodies he could find, and Cumberland played the game.

It was the rout of all routs, as Georgia Tech scored 63 in the first quarter, and matched it in the second. Tech rolled to 222 points, without ever throwing a forward pass. They rushed for 1650 yards and 28 touchdowns, doing it all on just 40 carries. Cumberland finished with -96 yards rushing, just 14 passing yards, and 15 turnovers. $3000 dollars was a lot of money in 1916, but this ass kicking was priceless.

28 DAYS LATER

(Bears 73, Redskins 0)

It wasn’t exactly 28 days, but in 1940, the Washington Redskins defeated the Chicago Bears 7-3 in a regular season game. 3 weeks later, the two teams met again to decide the NFL Championship. Chicago played the game as if they were alone on the field. Managing just 3 points in the earlier meeting, they jumped out quick to a 21 point lead in the first quarter, before adding another 7 by halftime. The Bears added 45 more in the second half, and the massacre was complete. Down the stretch, officials asked the Bears to run the ball in for the extra points, because too many Footballs were lost in the stands, due to multiple point after kick attempts. This game ranks as the most lopsided victory in NFL history.

THE WARRIORS

(Rangers 30, Orioles 3)

The Warriors isn’t categorized as a horror flick, but one particular New York street gang had their faces painted as if they were prepared to go trick or treating. The “Baseball furies” would chase down their enemies, fully clad in baseball uniforms, and carrying bats to do some clubbing. Last year, the Baltimore Orioles picked a fight with those Baseball furies, jumping in front to a 3-0 lead, before the bats of the Texas Rangers started singing to the tune of 30 unanswered runs. In all, it was 30 runs in a total of 6 innings, an average of 5 per inning, with the onslaught beginning in the 4th. It was the first time in 110 years that a major league team scored 30 runs in a game. The Orioles were the home team, and at the time of this occurence, their NFL neighbors (Baltimore Ravens) hadn’t surrendered 30 points to an opponent in 2 years.

CARRIE

(Lisa Leslie scores 100 points)

Carrie was a loner, doing all the work herself. She left a lasting memory on one high school, and they’d be haunted by the event for years to come. In the same way, South Torrance High School will be forever haunted by the name Lisa Leslie. The senior from Morningside High School never broke Cheryl Miller’s record of 105 points in a game, but she was denied the opportunity. In this game, Morningside High ran out to a 102-24 lead by halftime. Lisa Leslie had 101 of her team’s total first half points. She would finish the night stuck on that number, as South Torrance opted to forfeit the second half of the game. The decision made by the opposing coach to not bring his team back on the floor sparked criticism, But honestly, can you really blame the guy? Both Lisa Leslie, like Cheryl Miller before her, went on to star for the Lady Trojans of USC basketball, and are arguably two of the greatest female basketball players in the history of the sport.

FRIDAY THE 13TH

(Slovakia 82, Bulgaria 0)

Thanks to Jason Voorhees, the mask of a hockey goalie has become synonymous with horror. As for the Bulgarian women’s hockey team, they fear the mask, the ice, and anything related to the sport. The Slovakian women defeated Bulgaria 82-0, having 130 shots on goal to their opponents zero. It’s pretty amazing, when you look at the facts. A hockey goal scores as just one point, and there are only 60 minutes in a match. This would mean the Slovakians were scoring at a pace of more than 1 goal per minute. Bulgaria was eventually eliminated from the tournament, having been outscored 192-1 by their opponents.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

(Houston 95, SMU 21)

In 1989, the University of Houston had a future Heisman winning QB leading the offense. Southern Methodist was one year removed from the NCAA death penalty that wiped out the football program, and Coach Forrest Gregg had only freshmen and sophomores on the roster. 14 of those freshmen were starters. This game was record setting before the kickoff, with Vegas having the Mustangs as a 59 1/2 point underdog. Though Andre Ware only played the first half, the Cougars set several collegiate records that day. Houston amassed 1,021 yards of offense, with 771 coming from the air. In the first half alone, Ware threw for 517 yards on 41 attempts. A 95-21 victory isn’t nearly the same as the terrible loss suffered by Cumberland. But Houston and their Chainsaw once chopped up another opponent in 1968 (Tulsa), finishing with a final score of 100-6. That victory gave the Cougars the honor of being the last major college program to score 100 points in a game.

From the Empire, to you and yours,
have a happy and safe Halloween.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Premature Ejaculation

I see it every year, and each time I’m irked. I only see it in baseball, but if it exists in other professional sports, do me a favor and let me know. I’m talking about the season climax that comes much too soon. I’m talking about the chorus of screams combined with flowing liquid, which I’ve always translated as completion of a goal and fulfillment of a dream. It’s an athletic orgasm, before you ever get those regular season pants off.

I understand that baseball consists of a rigorous 162 game season. I understand that to finish the regular season with even more games to play is an accomplishment. But what I don’t understand is the champagne parties, field romping, and frenzy that follow the announcement that you have done nothing more than won your division, or even worse, that you qualified as a “wildcard”.

I can maybe cut division winners some slack, but it would be very little. Franchises fly division championship banners at their stadiums and arenas, regardless of sport. The franchise is recorded in the books as the champion for that year. But still, isn’t the celebration a bit over the top, with so much work left to be done. Isn’t it “World Series champs or bust”? And what’s with that wildcard celebration, with printed AL or NL “wildcard” T-shirts included. Can you imagine the Atlanta Hawks having a champagne party for slipping into the NBA playoffs? Can you imagine last year’s Titans or Jaguars having a wildcard celebration that would rival Superbowl Champions? Win the pennant, and a party may be somewhat suffice. But why the overly exaggerated celebrations for making the playoffs, then again for doing nothing more than winning in the first round?

To me, these celebrations are equivalent to a coach receiving a Gatorade Bath at halftime, when you still have 2 quarters to play. The Chicago Cubs had one of these celebrations, and failed to win a single game in the post-season. They had this celebration, after the first quarter, with 3 quarters remaining before the trophy could be raised. Was the champagne flow a symbol that the curse was broken? Hell no! Are fans of the Cubbies satisfied, because their team qualified for the playoffs, but didn’t go any farther? Pfft! The whole thing is pointless, if it doesn’t come with the grand prize. How many coaches over the years have taken part in those celebrations, only to lose their jobs in following weeks? How many players celebrated, only to worry about job security a week later, or begin negotiations with other franchises before all division series are complete?

I can even look at the Dodgers and Rays, and maybe have some sympathy, but I won’t. At this point, the Rays are viewed as remarkable for their turn around. Get bounced from the playoffs or lose in the world series, and no one will remember or give a sh**. Remember the 2001 Seattle Mariners (who?), tying the Major League record with 116 wins in the regular season? So what? The Mariners have still failed to make a World Series appearance in their history. But hey, at least they had a party for one night. Right? Those Northwestern champagne spillers are known today as one of the biggest busts in baseball history. And out in L.A, the Dodgers had been playoff limp for 20 years, before using the Cubs as Viagra. They’ve won a playoff series. Is it time to party? What the f*** for? There’s more work to do. I don’t care how many times you make it to the post season, or how many wins you accumulate in that post season, because it’s all about finishing on top. You can win a playoff series and still finish among the year’s losers. It’s all or nothing. And if you don’t believe me, the fact that the Indians, Cubs, and some others are still considered “cursed” says it. Those clubs have won in the playoffs throughout the years, but all came up short of “finishing”. You know… the climax? If you don't finish, what's the difference between the Angels and the Royals? Aren't they both losers?

So, my DOH-mer goes to these groups of men, acting like an alcoholic that has been dry for weeks and just waiting and willing to find a reason to have a boozy celebration for even the slightest of reasons. After all, the Atlanta Braves won a record 14 consecutive division titles. That’s at least 14 locker room parties, while only tasting the championship once. In comparison, the Florida Marlins won the World Series twice in 6 years, without ever winning that Braves dominated Eastern division. The lesson learned is, at least get through the foreplay and actual act, before trying to fake an orgasm.

Off Topic: Does baseball need the Dodgers and Red Sox?

Going into the baseball postseason, several storylines surfaced, along with potential in-state world series match ups. In Southern California, fans are hopeful for the long awaited “freeway” series, with both the Dodgers and Angels qualifying for the playoffs. The windy city remains hopeful that the Cubs would meet the White Sox. Floridians look for their beloved Rays to complete their run from worse to first. And as for Beantown, they are the defending champions looking to build on their own legacy. And of course, if those Sox of Boston face the Cubs of Chi-Town, we’ll have the cursed of yesterday versus the curse of today, with all games played in historic ballparks. But with all this potential, and World Series ratings mostly miserable in previous years, which World Series contest would be best for baseball? The answer is about as simple as the NBA needing (and getting) the Celts and Lakers in the finals. Major League Baseball needs the Red Sox and Dodgers.

No disrespect to any of the other franchises still competing, but if there was ever a series to pump the ratings, this would be it. Fewer mid-season trades were greater than the Sox sending Manny Ramirez to Los Angeles. It resulted in the Dodgers being launched to the top of the NL West and into championship contention. Let’s just imagine all the hype that would surround a Dodgers/Red Sox World Series. Let’s imagine Manny, now clad in Dodger blue, being greeted at Fenway. Let’s imagine Theo Epstein sitting there hoping and praying that his defending champions won’t lose to an opponent that has an increase in power, based on his decision to trade.

Outside of the Ramirez drama, look at Joe Torre. The former Yankees skipper was forced out of New York, and would be in position to win another Series, as Hank Steinbrenner and the Yankees’ roster watches from their living rooms. From 3,000 miles across country, Torre can still act as a thorn in the Red Sox sides. Would the people in New York have interest in this series? Damn right they would. Torre, as a Yankees manager, rallied his team from late season deficits to participate in October. Now Torre, as a Dodgers manager, did the same for the blue crew, with the Dodgers needing a fierce run in the final weeks to overtake the division leading Diamondbacks. For everyone in New York that said Torre was the problem with the Yanks, it's time to rethink that. It's another season without vacationing in October, regardless of league and roster.

And let’s not forget Dodger owner Frank McCourt and the tale of two cities. McCourt, a Boston man has been building what I like to call “Red Sox West” in Los Angeles. If you just look at his actions over the years, you can see that he’s a fan of the Red Sox, though he owns the Dodgers. Since McCourt took ownership of the Dodgers in ’04, he’s acquired former Red Sox lovechild, Nomar Garciaparra, hired and fired former Red Sox manager Grady Little, brought former Red Sox ace Derek Lowe to L.A, hired long time Red Sox coaching nemesis Joe Torre, and put Red Sox superstar Manny Ramirez in Dodger blue. I’m sure I’ve missed some other L.A/Boston connections in his 4 years of ownership, but you get the point.

A regional series is great for the town it’s being played in, but not good for baseball as a whole. “Worse to first” is a great story that may have a fairytale ending, but if the Rays’ own fans in Tampa don’t offer much interest in their home team, why should we think the rest of the nation would? The Cubs would draw a large audience, being centrally located, and with people having interest in the breaking or continuation of “the curse”, but much would be pending on the opponent. If baseball wants to make an October splash, there’s no better way than the Dodgers and the Red Sox. And of course, the worse case scenario may actually be the Brewers versus the Rays, but I don't see that happening.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Pin Cushion Performances

Once upon a time, I admired baseball’s Paul Lo Duca. He was the heart and soul of the Los Angeles Dodgers, the spark plug that brought energy to the team. He was our Major League All Star, and I was shocked and angered when he was traded to the Florida Marlins . He’s been well traveled since wearing that Dodger Blue, also spending time in New York and Washington. And even after his name appeared on the Mitchell Report, I respected the man for not denying the use of human growth hormones, and apologizing for breaking the rules.

But I've suddenly lost respect for him, as he resorted to giving one of the more popular responses used by players that have been caught. Lo Duca says it was hard work that made him an All Star, and that he was not assisted by the “performance” enhancing drugs. And you know, every time I hear this answer, I think to myself…”Then why use them?!

Did Bonds and Sheffield use the “magic lotion” to promote healthier looking skin that glistened in the sunlight? Clemens wasn't a doper. He was a cutter, sticker, poker or whatever you want to call him, using the needle as an emotional release. Maybe Marion Jones wasn't injecting to improve speed on the track, but told that the growth hormones would either reduce the size of her cuspids over time or increase the size of her other teeth, making her grill more uniformed. There are plenty of excuses that can be made for steroid use as a necessity outside of sports enhancement, but you really can't explain the severe decline in performance once an athlete is busted.

It’s understandable that some players resort to the use of banned substances to speed up the rehabilitation of injuries, though it’s still an outlawed act. But according to the Mitchell report, a healthy Paul Lo Duca purchased the supplements less than five weeks before the Dodgers traded him to the Florida Marlins. He made another purchase 8 days after he joined the Florida team. How is this fact and not allegation? The DOH’mer made the purchases using checks in his name, as did many other jackasses of Major League Baseball.

I see no reason to use the drugs, if they don’t improve athletic performance. And what I also see is a DOH’mer named Paul Lo Duca, barely called up from the “MINOR LEAGUES”, trying to tell the public that his All Star status was a product of raw ability alone. The Mitchell report surfaces, and the one time All Star suddenly descends to the lower levels of the game. It’s pretty much the same as the quick decline of former league MVP Jason Giambi, after allegations of steroid usage began to swirl. What happened to some of the others on the Mitchell Report that were getting by on “raw talent”? Eric Gagne is another example. Now he's just a closer. But as a user, he was God. The before and after pictures show difference, and several studies have been conducted to solidify this fact. But I don’t need charts and figures to evaluate Paul Lo Duca. All I need are my eyes to see him sitting in a minor league dugout, while making claims that he didn’t need any physical aid.

The worst part of this is all the speculation that swarmed before the report was made public. Who was lying? Who was telling the truth? In the end, it appears only one man was truthful, though we all tagged him as a clown, and that man was Jose Canseco. And knowing this now, it has to make you wonder. Because though there is currently no direct link or paper trail that has surfaced, one name Canseco continues to throw out there is “Alex Rodriguez”.

... Is Jose still a liar?

Is it the equipment or the athlete?

Michael Phelps is the star of the 2008 Summer Olympics, as should be. Picking up 8 gold medals, and doing it seven times at a world record pace, he has more than reached celebrity status, and elevated to “sports explosion”. But honestly, how much of his recent achievement can be credited to the athlete, and how much should we credit his equipment? Not that I’m trying to burst anyone’s Phelps swimming bubble, but it’s definitely food for thought.

Phelps today reflected back on the events in Beijing. The 200-meter butterfly was the only collected medal that didn’t come in world record time, and he feels a wardrobe malfunction kept him from being a perfect 8 for 8. But if we’re talking about equipment, and goggles collecting water slowing his pace, then what of the new no-drag swimsuits provided by Speedo? Without a doubt, I believe if the suits didn’t exist, Phelps would still out-swim the world’s best. But if not for the suits, could it be done in record time, and 7 times? In many of the events, though Phelps set new world records, the second and third place finishers were also above the old marks. Either the world’s athletes dramatically increased their water speed or we can give Speedo an assist.

Technology has come a long way since Mark Spitz swam to 7 gold medals in Munich. Strength and conditioning has become a science. There’s more focus on diet, as well as modern machinery used to pinpoint and exercise the necessary muscles to build an Olympic swimming champion. The use of performance enhancing drugs is forbidden. The use of performance enhancing equipment is welcomed. I can see the difference in the two, and understand that one poses a health risk. But when it comes to fairness, why isn’t there more emphasis on the equipment available to athletes today in comparison to athletes of the past? Sentences will begin with “Michael Phelps is the greatest swimmer of all time…”, and I find myself waiting for the “but”. “BUT he’s not breaking these records on skill and athleticism alone", is how the sentence should be completed. In the sport of swimming, 1/100th of a second means so much. In the fashion of swimming, the new no-drag Speedo suit is designed to trim hundredths of a second from swimming times.

If Major League baseball approved the use of aluminum bats for the 2009 season, and sluggers blasted 80+ homeruns, there would be no hesitation to mention the difference in the equipment being used by the modern slugger and a Babe Ruth or Henry Aaron. They would probably call it 80 homeruns in the “aluminum era”. Why is it different for swimming? In the first Greek Olympics, the athletes performed naked. As years went by, they added clothing, some bulky, not wind resistant on tracks, and probably absorbed so much water in a pool that it’s a miracle no one sank to the bottom. Then technology arrives and clothing becomes lighter and specifically designed to add speed to each sport. I don’t believe you can mention the amount of world records broken in the pool of the Beijing "water cube" without giving a mention to the changes in equipment. To me, it lessens the efforts and achievements of past swimmers that performed at a championship level, while possessing less technology to alter speeds.

This isn't a shot at Phelps, as he is very deserving. This is a shout to past record holders, that are no less.

Off Topic: Many arrives; knows nothing about Dodgers

Manny Ramirez made his arrival in Los Angeles today and addressed the press. One thing he quickly learned is that he’ll fit right in, with this city having a very large Latino community. Just as quickly as the press conference began, is how quickly he started to take questions and give answers in Spanish. But based on some things said, Ramirez doesn’t know the Dodgers or this city.

When asked about his jersey number (99), Manny said he wasn’t sure why he was given that one, and that he requested No. 34 and doesn’t know what happened. What he obviously doesn’t know is that the No. 34 was worn by Dodger pitching legend Fernando Valenzuela. Manny was also asked about the city in general, and he claimed he’s only been here once for a Spring training game. I would take that as the record breaking attendance game played earlier this year in the Los Angeles coliseum between the Sox and Dodgers, in commemoration of the Dodgers’ 50 years in Los Angeles. But of course, that can’t be the only time he’s been here. Hello! The American League Angels play in this town. Sure, they technically play in Anaheim, but that’s like calling teams the Auburn Hills Pistons, Irving Cowboys, and the old Inglewood Lakers. They are the “Los Angeles” Angels of Anaheim.

One thing Manny does know about the Dodgers and Dodgers stadium is the dynamics and its notoriety of being a pitcher’s ballpark. He told the press not to expect him to be launching 40 homeruns out of this new stadium, as he did in Fenway Park. But anyone already in L.A, and knowing the Dodgers and their stadium, already know this as the obvious.

Welcome to L.A., Manny. I’m sure you’ll get a kick out of the place.

Off Topic: Can a title actually be cheap?

Regardless the sport of participation or the level of play, the competitive nature of each individual launches them on a quest for the ultimate prize. It’s the hardware, the ring, the trophy, or the cup. It’s the dream of becoming a champion that sets the heart afire, driving you to be perfect in every game, match, and set. But every now and then I’ll hear of a guy winning a "cheap" title, and I wonder if there is such a thing. What would lessen the luster of one championship, in comparison to another?

In a recent article, Vinnie Lyer of the Sporting News gave a list of five players we’d like to see get rings. The article sparked a thought, which led to even more. First off, with the exception of Jason Taylor, I wasn’t fond of his list. And the second thought had to do with the possibility of Jason Taylor leaving the NFL doormat Miami Dolphins for a team more ready to make a Superbowl run. As players move towards the end of their careers, you’ll often hear that they want to be moved, and some are even willing to work for less to have a shot at that prize. When players do this, is a title then cheap?

Karl Malone and Gary Payton, though having Hall of Fame type careers, joined the Lakers Roster in 2003, in hopes of winning a championship. Both worked for less, and some wouldn’t say they "joined" the Lakers, as much as they would say they “latched on” to the tail end of an NBA dynasty. L.A failed to capture the championship, and Malone retired without a ring. Payton moved on to another city and contender, where he finally became a champion with the Miami Heat. Was it cheap?

The achievement also becomes dimmed by the way it’s announced. Years from now, we can read about Dwayne Wade, and history will tell us that he won a championship with the Miami Heat. In that same book, we can read about Gary Payton, and the text would more likely say he won a championship “as a member” of the same Miami team. Doesn’t the wording tend to lessen the achievement? Also, it appears that if you’re not a superstar or never reach that status, a championship isn’t as cheap. Brian Scalabrine (Fight On!) just received a championship ring with the Boston Celtics. He wasn’t even dressed for the final game, and as much as people joke about him, he may not shine in that same bargain basement light as Gary Payton.

Zach Thomas is now a Dallas Cowboy, after putting together an impressive career in Miami. Championships are a team reflection, and until now, he’s never been part of a unit capable of bringing home the Lombardi. He has a great opportunity in Dallas, even in a diminished role and playing for less money. If Thomas and the Cowboys win it all this season, some will consider his title cheap. If Thomas stayed with the Dolphins (even taking less money and having a smaller role), and the dolphins somehow became NFL champions, apparently his ring isn’t cheap? Make sense? It’s not who you are, but where you play to get that ring. Well, at least when it comes to winning one in the latter stages of a career, when you’ve never won one before.

If Walter Payton left the Bears to win a title elsewhere, it would have been cheap. The same would be said for Julius Irving, if he left the Sixers. Charles Barkley tried and failed, which was the same as Karl Malone. Junior Seau failed in New England, and will likely try again. Dan Marino was one of the greatest NFL quarterbacks to never win the Superbowl, but a change of scenery would have made it cheap, correct?

My feeling is that you can’t lessen the achievement of players superior in their sport, regardless of where the ultimate prize is attained. The body of work, reputation, and value is what makes it possible for them to join a new unit with their skill level declining. We all wished Ernie Banks could have won a championship, while not wanting him to do it cheaply. That doesn’t make much sense to me. The fan and media perspective has created conditional worth to championship achievements. I have more respect, and feel it’s more deserving, for a Zach Thomas to win a title in Dallas, than I do for a Steve Kerr winning 6 rings in Chicago and San Antonio.

If you find yourself in agreement with me, I pose one more question. With an injury keeping the best golfer in the world (arguably of all time) out of the British open, will the British Open champion then be considered cheap?

TOWER OF BABBLE

Removing useless chatter from my head and dumping it all in yours:

Every week, there’s a new rumor of an NFL franchise moving to Los Angeles. At this rate, by March, the City of Angels will be hosting 32 NFL teams.

Speaking of rumors, I’m tired of hearing about Green Bay's retiree planning a comeback. If I announced that Jesus Christ returned today, fan reaction would be, “yeah, but what’s the latest on Brett Favre?”

Nadal is rising, and Federer is sliding, and I really don’t care that much. My heart still misses Anna Kournikova and the loser that she was.

A survey revealed that NFL coaches still don’t want Terrell Owens on their roster, but I’m sure they don’t want him on opposing rosters either. Where’s that survey? I’m going to go out on a limb and say Wade Phillips voted “yes”.

The Arkansas Razorbacks are considering pay-per-view offers for their football fans. McFadden and Jones are gone, so who’s going to pay to see that sh*t?

A survey of college football fans concludes that East or West, the coach of USC is among the most hated in the country. It was Pete Carroll for the Western USC, and Steve Spurrier for the East. It actually said “any program coached by Spurrier”, but since he’s at South Carolina, the hate is currently pinned to them.

Programs are jumping up to schedule the Fighting Irish in the future. It’s as if they see an opportunity to finally kick the neighborhood bully’s ass.

I saw a list of the “dirtiest players in the NFL”, and not a single Denver offensive lineman was named. Oddly enough, I also saw a list of the “NFL’s smartest players”, and they should have made that list, just for allowing voters to overlook their cheating ways on the list prior.

Speaking of the Donks, I’m thoroughly convinced that if Brandon Marshall hired a chauffeur, he’d still be ticketed for J-walking next week.

Kevin Jones needs to find a gig, before LaMont Jordan goes on tour.

Elton Brand will participate in the 2009 NBA playoffs. Baron Davis will watch them from his living room.

In my best spiritual voice, “cleansing yourself and removing the devil will move you closer to heavenly rewards.” Just ask the Rays.

The mind is a sponge, soaking up knowledge, but sometimes it needs a squeeze.

Fight On!

DOH-mer Of The Week- A Rose by any other name

I’ve spent the last week watching the sports headlines surface, and one particular baseball story caught my eye. It was a story about homerun king Barry Bonds(*) and the controversy surrounding the record breaking homerun ball. Bonds wants it in the Baseball Hall of Fame, but not with an asterisk. The owner of the ball was willing to donate it to the hall, but with an asterisk. The whole thing made me realize the stupidity of Major League Baseball's decision makers. And when I speak of this stupidity, I’m not speaking directly of Bonds(*) and his ball, though he is indirectly a part of this conversation.

Here we are in 2008, and people want a battle of the balls. That’s a minor issue, and an easy decision. But hey, what about Pete Rose? What is the expiration date for baseball stubbornness? How long will they keep one of the greatest hitters of all time out of the Hall of Fame, because he gambled on games? Sure, I understand that when the sentence was handed down, and he received that lifetime ban, the league was looking to protect the integrity of the game. But if you’re honestly in the business of protecting integrity, why the f**k is there even a debate or controversy over the homerun ball of BaROID Bonds(*)?

Did the DOH-mers not see the Mitchell report? Integrity is all but gone. How many future Hall of Famers on that list? How many league MVPs and Golden gloves? How many Cy Young award winners? Where is that damn integrity to protect, because I see nothing but an empty box?

Where was the integrity, when Gaylord Perry was inducted into the Hall? Perry’s claim to fame is “cheating”. Perry has an autobiography titled “Me and the Spitter”, meaning he's even cheating the English language, because we all know it should be "The spitter and I". Perry once approached the makers of “Vaseline”, looking to be their spokesperson! His former manager, Gene Mauch, once said, “He should be in the Hall of Fame with a tube of KY Jelly attached to his plaque”. And the list of cheaters doesn’t end With Perry, because Whitey Ford, another notorious cheater, is also in the Hall. What is our integrity lesson of the day? Cheaters are rewarded. Gamblers are punished.

Maybe it’s just because Rose doesn’t have the baseball clout. After all, a lifetime ban is exactly that, banishment for a lifetime. Yankees Boss, George Steinbrenner, was given a lifetime ban from baseball in 1990. And I then witnessed a modern day miracle, as Steinbrenner obviously died in ’93, and resurrected in the same year. Ban lifted! George begins his second life, so you can’t count the previous ban against him. Strangely enough, he’s reincarnated as the Yankees boss. What are the odds on that? Maybe I'll ask Pete if he went with the spread.

Why the hell are we quarreling over baseballs hit by steroid users? And why the hell does BaROID(*) feel he has any say in how the ball would be displayed? If it were up to me, I’d agree with him, and present it without the asterisk, but have a hypodermic needle hanging from the stitches.

Say what you want about Pete Rose and his gambling, but it’s obviously more of a personal issue between Rose and some of the baseball powers that be, than it is about integrity. Don’t bullsh*t me. Looking at some of the players the league has lined up for future induction, Mark McGwire(*), Rafael Palmeiro(*), and Roger Clemens(*), along with some players holding records, BaROID Bonds(*), Eric Gagne(*), and any other junkie I may have missed, it’s going to be a while before the league ever has a clean list for an induction year. Greg Maddux, Trevor Hoffman, and Tom Glavine will get in, but who will be their first ballot competition?

As we stand now, with the lack of integrity in the game, it will take over a decade to regain a clean image. Until that 5 year old corn fed slugger from the fields of Nebraska matures, and appears on a major league diamond, we’re left with the impurities and human pincushions of the sport. Without a doubt, with baseball now under the microscope and secrets exposed, now is the Time to give the public something long overdue, and celebrate the achievements of Pete Rose.

Allow Rose into the Hall, and stop staring at BaROID’s(*) balls.

DOH-mers!

Off Topic: Yankees Arrogance Continues On

There isn’t a more arrogant group in the world of sports than the New York Yankees. I guess when you have more championships than any team (in any sport), you have a right to be. But arrogance often leads to asinine statements, based on opinion and views from the throne. Our team is the greatest, our players are the greatest, and we play for the greatest city in America. Each can be argued, and I’d probably find some legitimacy in them. But when it comes to the granddaughter of Babe Ruth requesting that her grandfather’s number be retired across the baseball board, I’m saying no, and I'll call out her arrogance.

Her claim is that Babe Ruth has done more for baseball than any other player in history. She claims he is the savior of the game. Her exact statement reads as follows, as she spoke about the retirement of Jackie Robinson’s number:

"I know it’s for sociological reasons, but why should that penalize my grandfather? I don’t understand that reasoning. Sociologically? Helping other people? Frankly, if Babe Ruth didn’t save baseball, there wouldn’t be a game for Jackie or anyone else to even play. Remember, after the [1919 Black Sox] scandal, everyone was disillusioned with baseball, and here comes my grandfather with his mighty bat, and he brought thousands of people back to the ballpark."

That's a great point, if you’re sitting on your high horse. But if she looked outside her Yankees box, she’d see others that saved the game. Baseball was up and down throughout its existence. The Black Sox scandal of 1919 may have brought fan skepticism and a plunge in interest, but the world at war nearly wiped out the game. The saviors then were the veterans of the armed forces returning. In 1945, with a slow trickle of stars returning from war and back to the diamond, major league attendance topped 10 million for the first time since 1930, and soared to over 18 million the following year.

Baseball took another hit with the strike of ’94, and even at strike’s end, the fan interest was low and fading. In 1998, 2 juiced sluggers pumped new life into the baseball audience, as fans watched Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa in a race to break Roger Marist’s single season homerun record. Even in the midst of the steroids controversy, the fans had returned.

If we're retiring a jersey across the league, we need a sense of uniqueness about the individual. Is Babe Ruth the baseball savior? Does the bible only have one prophet? No. He doesn't stand alone, and certainly didn't play alone. A suffering game, regardless of sport, will bring many saviors. Magic Johnson and Larry Bird saved the NBA in the 80s. Hockey is slowly boosting its image, with an influx of young stars. It's speculation to say the Black Sox incident of 1919 would have eliminated fan interest in baseball forever, without the presence of Babe Ruth. In the 50s, a point shaving scandal was exposed in the NIT, crippling the credibility of the tournament. But here we are in 2008, with college basketball bigger than it was before then. The NFL's savior from "spygate" is named "The New York Giants". Imagine how ugly it would be if the Pats did achieve perfection.

Aside from his greatness on the baseball diamond, Robinson endured the degradation, racism, and death threats from fans not willing to accept change. Today, you look around the league at the number of African American players, Latin American stars, and the new wave of Asian migration, and his impact is loud and strong. Look back on the Black Sox of 1919, and it’s weakened and silenced. There isn't a Babe Ruth record that can't be broken several times, by several different players. Breaking a racial barrier can only be, and only needs to be, broken once.

Jackie Robinson’s Jersey (42) was retired by major league baseball in 1997. Ironically, the last active player to wear that number is current Yankees reliever Mariano Rivera. Robinson opened that door of racial opportunity, so Rivera could wear those pinstripes, that number, and have “New York” sewn across his chest. I can see it, and I’m sure Mariano does, as well. But those living inside that Yankees box of arrogance are still in the dark, and finding Babe Ruth to have a greater contribution to the game.

Besides, good luck on getting the Boston Red Sox to retire anything related to Babe Ruth.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Nothing But Strikes

Remember a time when men were men and competed like warriors in sport? Remember “no layup” rules in basketball, no face masks on football helmets, and a pitcher regularly tossed nine innings? Rules change with the times, as health becomes a concern, and a player no longer appears as a competitor, but more as a business investment. But in my opinion, it’s a travesty to hear any high ranking “sports” executive whining about his “athlete” injuring himself while attempting to run “180 feet”.

My DOH-mer, Yankees Co-Chairman Hank Steinbrenner, actually had the nerve to criticize the National league for allowing men to be men. He made references to the league rule on pitchers batting as being outdated, and calling for the National league to step into the 21st century. He’s lobbying for a designated hitter for both leagues, so they can be uniformed b*tches.

As a child, baseball is a game that consists of throwing, running, fielding, and batting. Why does Steinbrenner feel adults are incapable of fulfilling two of the tasks that children perform on the diamond? Children bat and run for free, but adult members of the millionaires club can’t. Does that make any sense? If anything, get your money’s worth. So, you lost a starting pitcher for 6-8 weeks, because he didn’t know how to run bases properly. Whose fault is that? The National League? Get the f*ck out of here! Maybe as an “athlete” they should be trained as one in the spring. Maybe he can try that "Viagra" therapy or get one of the shots Roger misrembers getting, and possibly be back on the mound in half the time.

The Yanks have bad luck when it comes to pitching, and Hank’s firing in the wrong direction. Over the years, he couldn’t blame the National league for injuries suffered by Randy Johnson, Andy Pettitte, Kevin Brown, etc. Kevin Brown broke his hand, punching a wall in the Yankee dugout. Let’s blame that on the f*cking Dodgers! Roger Clemens was given a year’s salary for pitching one damn month. Let’s blame that on the Astros! Better yet, Hank, the next time your club is involved in a brawl, instruct your dainty men of the mound not to engage in combat. And not because they may be struck by someone, but because they may break a foot, while running the 180 feet from the dugout to join the melee.

The New York Yankees have more championships than any franchise in sports. To obtain those championships, at some point, their pitchers had to lift bats and run bases. And just think, if this Puss, Steinbrenner, was in charge during the early days of the game, a great pitcher by the name of Babe Ruth may have never swung the bat.

I played baseball at the little league and High school levels. I pitched, which meant I also hit and ran. I think to myself, If I was drafted and played in the American league, I wouldn’t have to hit or run. But I also think the same, if I played women’s softball. And of course, there’s one distinct similarity between the New York Yankees and Women's softball, and that would be the thongs beneath the uniform.

Go do your b*tching and complaining somewhere else. Leave the National League alone, because it’s baseball played in the purest form. Go stroke your Wang’s …ego, and tell him it’s not his fault. According to Hank Steinbrenner, American league pitchers should throw strikes with every toss, because they surely have no balls.

DOH-MER!

Less is more in the television ratings world

Tiger Woods has been receiving some criticism for saying “no one watches hockey anymore”, and any backlash he receives would be warranted, considering his sport isn’t generating blockbuster ratings. Why do we even have a golf channel? Even worse, why does my cable company provide the “golf” and “outdoor living” networks, but not the NFL network? For Woods, golf is a personal method of generating substantial amounts of money, and he would even realize that it doesn’t generate television ratings. But when we see that FOX’s “So you think you can dance” scored higher ratings than the deciding match of the Stanley Cup, Tiger has a point.

His mistake was to not group the other sports with poor ratings, including his own, to not show exclusiveness to the game played on ice. After all, in the television ratings world, by the numbers, less equals more. The fewer games played, and the shorter the playoffs, the higher the television ratings.

The NFL is always the sports ratings champ, with the Superbowl pulling the biggest prize. But second on the list of season finales is the NCAA’s BCS championship game. Is this America’s love for football or our love for fewer games played and single game elimination tournaments? Compare America’s sports based on their television appeal:

2008 Superbowl- 43 percent of households
BCS Championship game (NCAA)- 14 percent of households
NCAA Basketball championship -12 percent of households
2007 World Series- 11 percent of households
2007 Daytona 500- 10 percent of households
2007 NBA Finals- 6 percent of households
2008 Stanley Cup- 6 percent (deciding game drew a 7)

Although the numbers reflect a large gap between the first and second positions, keep in mind that the 2007 BCS championship game was down 17% from 2007, and carried a 33% share for the 2006 Rose Bowl thriller between Texas and USC. The top 3 also show America’s love for single elimination tournaments, with College hoops lagging slightly behind because of the amount of games on their schedule.

How would the Giants have faired in a 3 game series against the Patriots or Cowboys? Would they still be wearing shiny new rings? America doesn’t care, and neither do I. It’s the “sudden death” elimination that grabs our attention. Even with college football receiving a media award as the championship trophy, people tune in to watch the mighty go down today, because tomorrow never comes.

A one game elimination really doesn’t prove who the better overall team may be, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. If you work your way through a season, you better show the best preparation and execution on that one day. Baseball and Basketball give us 162 and 82 games, followed by playoff series after series. Viewers aren’t drawn to what you do in the beginning, because it’s all about what you do in the end. Less is more.

Trojan Baseball Shouting: Randy Johnson & Bret Boone

I have to show my appreciation for two Trojans that were big hits (and pitches) on the USC baseball diamond. Though the letters U-S-C are synonymous to college football, the Trojan baseball program is historically one of the best in the country. With 12 baseball titles, the competition pales in comparison, with no other program recording more than 6.

Randy Johnson recently reached another major league milestone. Fanning 9 Giants on Thursday night, the Big Unit has tied Roger Clemens for second on the all time strikeouts list. In 20 major league seasons, he now has 4,672, trailing only Nolan Ryan, who holds the all time lead of 5,714. It’s not likely that he’ll catch Ryan, as the 44 year old is nearing major league closure. But in all, it’s still a tremendous feat, and a mark of an outstanding professional career.

Bret Boone has officially announced his retirement from the majors, though this was a long time coming. This 3 time all star and 4 time golden glove winner leaves the game with the 3rd most homeruns hit by a second baseman, trailing Jeff Kent and Ryne Sandberg. Bret, and his brother Aaron (also a Trojan), represent third generation major leaguers for the Boone family, As his father (Bob) and grandfather (Ray) also played professional baseball. With his father being a member of the Washington National’s baseball management, I’m expecting to see the same career choice for Bret. Good luck to him, in whatever he chooses to do.

DOH-mer Of The Week- 3 For 1 Special

"Richie Sexson made an ass of himself". That could have been a quick summary of this article, if two other members of the Seattle Mariners didn’t do the same. It turns out to be a historic moment for the Horse, because for the first time in this series, I'm given the opportunity to hand out 3 DOH-mers for a single event.

I’ll begin by saying that I know major league pitchers are hurling an object at nearly 100 miles per hour from just 90 feet away. I know what kind of damage can be done. I also know that any batter that stands at the plate in fear is no longer participating in the game, but becoming the game. In this case, Richie Sexson got played.

Sensing the mounting tension from 2 Rangers being hit by pitches earlier, the overrated, overhyped, and overpaid Richie Sexson stood at the plate. The pitch was thrown high, but wasn’t tight enough to be considered “head hunting”. But obviously, when you’ve already exchanged your jock strap for a pair of panties, and you’re already cowering before the ball leaves the pitcher’s hand, that high pitch “over the plate” warrants a rushing of the mound. Sexson has a right to be angry, but not about the pitch. He should be angry with himself, after watching his actions replayed over and over again, and realizing that he got punked.

A quick mound rushing observation: Regardless of who the catcher or batter may be, the angry batter always wins the race to the mound. From my baseball hypothesis, anger equates to speed. I swear, if Prince Fielder (who’s about a doughnut away from running the 40 in about 10.6) was hit by a pitch and rushing the mound, Olympic sprinters wouldn’t be able to catch him. I’m still waiting for a Fielder mound rush, to prove my theory right.

So of course, as always, the 6’ 8 Sexson beats the catcher to the mound, tossing his helmet towards the pitcher, and Mariners fans witnessed a rarity. Sexson got a hit!

If you followed the link and watched the clip, you saw DOH-mers 2 and 3 appearing at the scene of the grime. Felix Hernandez is irate that his teammate was given a “high” pitch. He’s out there pushing, cussing, and trying to get in the mix. How the hell is Hernandez angered by a high pitch, when he plunked 2 batters earlier? The hit batters score for the game was 2-0, in favor of the Mariners, and Felix hit them both. He instigated the entire mess, so if Hernandez doesn't play on this day, the Mariners give up fewer runs, have fewer HBP stats on the scorecard, and his buddy Richie could have probably worn his boxers for the entire game.

And then there’s Milton Bradley. And first of all, if your name is “Milton Bradley”, you should at least have game. Milton is well traveled, and probably on the anger management registry lists of at least 7 states. So to see Milton playing peace keeper, would be about the same as seeing Colonel Sanders holding a PETA rally outside of Popeye’s Chicken. And last year, Bradley was pretty vocal about his torn ACL that he suffered when an umpire picked him up and moved him backwards, trying to clear him away from a fight. One year later, this DOH-mer is the one giving someone a lift. He demanded that the umpire be fired, for using that method to restrain him a year ago, so let's see if Milton will terminate himself.

As the dust settled, the Rangers won in a shutout, Sexson received a suspension, and he and his teammates are awarded DOH-mers. Brawls on the diamond are nothing new, but I’m sure that somewhere out there, Jose Offerman is sitting on his couch and calling Richie Sexson a poser, because he didn’t bring the bat with him.

DOH-mer Of The Week- ねり粉! (Batter up!)

As a lifelong baseball fan, I’ve just witnessed the greatest foul. It has nothing to do with needles and enhancing player performances, but everything to do with playing outside the lines. As a fan, there are several dates on a baseball calendar that are special, and Major League Baseball just deprived fans in Oakland of one of them, which is opening day.

For me, opening day was always that afternoon game. Parents call in sick to work, you play hooky from school, and the family rushes out to the ballpark to welcome back their beloved veterans, and say hello to the new faces prepared to make a run at the pennant. When baseball decided to open the season earlier for 2 teams, and play that game in foul ground (Japan), it was like being hit with a Louisville slugger, accompanied by feelings of desertion and abandonment. One of my personal possessions was stolen and sold on the black market for others to enjoy. After seeing the Red Sox play the A’s in Tokyo, all I could do was ask myself…“what’s next, fan appreciation day in f*cking India?!?!”

I realize baseball, like America’s other major sports, is a business. The main goal of every business, such as Walmart, McDonalds, etc, is to become global. But I honestly couldn’t give a $h!t about the Japanese buying my burgers or fruit of the looms. What happens when they come bidding to purchase my team? Well, my Dodgers are a money maker, so I like my chances of surviving international ownership, but what about those struggling franchises? Baseball had trouble giving away the Montreal Expos, so suppose a foreign investor came knocking. Why wouldn’t they? They’re already selling the product overseas. The “Mitsubishi Marlins” has a nice ring. Doesn’t it?

The bottom line is, teams that the DOHmers are serving up to foreign lands were built and survived on the money of the American fans. This is money that not only came from your pocket, but from your father’s, and his father before him. Industry has been jumping our borders faster than fugitives on the run, and the American people are quick to voice their opinions on that…so why not see it for what it is? When baseball opens on foreign soil, it’s a reality check that enables us to see it for the business that it is. Our blue collar workers are screaming to “buy American”, but the league is purchasing foreign players. The comparison is lost, because Baseball is viewed as a sport and not a business. And now, with this opening day in Japan, we’re not only purchasing foreign products, we’re selling America. We’re selling that little bit of something that I actually called “my own”.

My list of special baseball dates would include, opening day, the all star game, any playoff or World Series appearances for my home team, and fan appreciation day. Oakland fans can scratch opening day from the list, and the rest of us will have to keep watch of the remainders to be checked off. You don’t get two opening days, regardless of how some analysts will defend baseball’s decision. You only have two openers, if you are willing to accept the artificial, while another country receives the real product. I’m not, and never will, accept that.

I wouldn’t call Major League Baseball “DOHmers” for their business approach, but they get the tag for leaving America behind. Sell your product, with exhibitions or a regular season game in May, but don’t serve the Japanese dates that have always held importance to the American baseball fan.

To Vacate Victories Is To Call Us Stupid

The NCAA Gods have many methods of punishing programs for rules violations. Some of the more sensible methods would include allowing fewer scholarships, postseason bans, probation, television bans, and in extreme cases, the death penalty. The death penalty would be a complete restriction of football activities for the required number of years, as given to Southern Methodist University from ’86 to 88, but I doubt we’d ever see this handed down to NCAA cash crop programs like USC, Alabama, Notre Dame, and some others.

In most cases, those punishments are understandable and can go without debate. But what I view as complete idiocy is the NCAA’s “vacating” of victories, as a form of punishment. This method of punishment isn’t exclusive to the NCAA, because I’ve seen in implemented at the high school level, for something as petty as a player living “outside” the district and being ineligible to participate. The penalty erases past victories, and will either reflect as losses or games never played. This means the opponents will either receive victories for games they lost or have a game completely scratched from the books, as if it were never occurred.


In recent developments, the University of Oklahoma will have 8 victories reinstated for the 2005 season. The NCAA actually got it right, but not on purpose. Their reasoning is an overturning of a ruling on infractions, but my reasoning is that you can’t suddenly tell me that OU didn’t play or lost those 8 games in 2005. You can scratch them from the books, but I’ll go to my grave knowing who they played and defeated.

It’s similar to a courtroom, where a witness may blurt something out that is factual, but because of improper judicial procedure, the judge orders the jury to “disregard the statement”. How do you disregard what was just heard, as if it was never said? When it comes down to deliberation, though the statement may not technically be used to form a conclusion of guilt or innocence, we’re all human, and it will be.


With the ongoing investigation into illegal benefits possibly received by Reggie Bush, and any knowledge of the action by USC, there is already talk of vacating Southern Cal victories and possibly the 2004 championship. The NCAA would not only be willing to wipe out an entire season of games on a schedule, but they would give the conference championship to Cal (who was beaten by USC), and Oklahoma would receive a National Championship after being soundly beaten by a score of 55-19.

Maybe it would make sense, 20 to 30 years from now, when people either open the books and don’t know or can’t remember. But anything before that is laughable, because people aren’t as stupid as the NCAA rules committee implies. It’s easy to strip a Heisman trophy, but suddenly there was no great game against Notre Dame, and no Bush push? It never happened, so don’t even talk about it, right? There was no near victory over Fresno State. There was no leap into the endzone over a UCLA Bruin. It never happened, so stop posting the photographs and rolling the tape. Or maybe the intention is for it to stick in memory, justifying the punishment with "USC didn't play those games, because Reggie Bush played in those games." Huh?


Now I’ve heard outraged fans calling for the New England Patriots’ victories to be vacated, for known spygate infractions and what we may come to know about past years. The professional levels are least likely to vacate anything, but instead add an asterisk in their books. Maybe the Pros view their fanbases as intelligent, where the amateurs see us as idiots. The NFL is likely to scratch victories from the Pats, as much as MLB is willing to reduce the homeruns and win counts from Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. Can you imagine the Yankees vacating victories and championships for years Roger Clemens appeared on the roster? All hell would break loose!

Take the scholarships, postseason, monetary fines and what not. But don’t insult my intelligence by attempting remove something already completed, because barring mental illness, head trauma or marijuana smoke, my memory does not vacate.

Taking It In The Buttocks

Aww. Baseball is wearing a frown. America’s favorite pastime has been put on blast, and we find a league ducking for cover. But not everyone from the diamond is frowning, because I would suspect Barry Bonds is wearing a big smile. He’s been the most scrutinized individual of the steroid debate. But look, now he has company.

Come on Bud Selig, let’s see you turn you’re back on some of these names. Let’s see you avoid acknowledging some of these achievements. It’s not just about homeruns and Babe Ruth Anymore. It’s not about a single man, but about league MVPs, Cy Young Winners, Golden Glovers, the 300 win club, World Series champions, and future Hall of Famers. Hall of fame? Wow! If I could patent the asterisk, I could make a fortune!

Sure, I’ve heard it all. You can’t prove this long list of players actually used the substance, and can only prove possession. Any testimony of actual use comes as hearsay, since none have ever tested positive for performance enhancing drugs, including Barry Bonds. But hearsay was enough to tarnish the image of Bonds. Let’s see if other reps will be tarnished or if baseball will look to restore the images of its more “likeable” stars.

Hey Mr. Selig, you’re about to earn every dime of your commissioner paycheck. The credibility of your league is in trouble. It’s going to take more than league wide “Jackie Robinson” days to cloud these allegations. How about free beer for the first six innings in all ballparks, so we get an illusion of an even playing field in the seventh?