Wednesday, May 14, 2008

DOH-mer Of The Week- 3 For 1 Special

"Richie Sexson made an ass of himself". That could have been a quick summary of this article, if two other members of the Seattle Mariners didn’t do the same. It turns out to be a historic moment for the Horse, because for the first time in this series, I'm given the opportunity to hand out 3 DOH-mers for a single event.

I’ll begin by saying that I know major league pitchers are hurling an object at nearly 100 miles per hour from just 90 feet away. I know what kind of damage can be done. I also know that any batter that stands at the plate in fear is no longer participating in the game, but becoming the game. In this case, Richie Sexson got played.

Sensing the mounting tension from 2 Rangers being hit by pitches earlier, the overrated, overhyped, and overpaid Richie Sexson stood at the plate. The pitch was thrown high, but wasn’t tight enough to be considered “head hunting”. But obviously, when you’ve already exchanged your jock strap for a pair of panties, and you’re already cowering before the ball leaves the pitcher’s hand, that high pitch “over the plate” warrants a rushing of the mound. Sexson has a right to be angry, but not about the pitch. He should be angry with himself, after watching his actions replayed over and over again, and realizing that he got punked.

A quick mound rushing observation: Regardless of who the catcher or batter may be, the angry batter always wins the race to the mound. From my baseball hypothesis, anger equates to speed. I swear, if Prince Fielder (who’s about a doughnut away from running the 40 in about 10.6) was hit by a pitch and rushing the mound, Olympic sprinters wouldn’t be able to catch him. I’m still waiting for a Fielder mound rush, to prove my theory right.

So of course, as always, the 6’ 8 Sexson beats the catcher to the mound, tossing his helmet towards the pitcher, and Mariners fans witnessed a rarity. Sexson got a hit!

If you followed the link and watched the clip, you saw DOH-mers 2 and 3 appearing at the scene of the grime. Felix Hernandez is irate that his teammate was given a “high” pitch. He’s out there pushing, cussing, and trying to get in the mix. How the hell is Hernandez angered by a high pitch, when he plunked 2 batters earlier? The hit batters score for the game was 2-0, in favor of the Mariners, and Felix hit them both. He instigated the entire mess, so if Hernandez doesn't play on this day, the Mariners give up fewer runs, have fewer HBP stats on the scorecard, and his buddy Richie could have probably worn his boxers for the entire game.

And then there’s Milton Bradley. And first of all, if your name is “Milton Bradley”, you should at least have game. Milton is well traveled, and probably on the anger management registry lists of at least 7 states. So to see Milton playing peace keeper, would be about the same as seeing Colonel Sanders holding a PETA rally outside of Popeye’s Chicken. And last year, Bradley was pretty vocal about his torn ACL that he suffered when an umpire picked him up and moved him backwards, trying to clear him away from a fight. One year later, this DOH-mer is the one giving someone a lift. He demanded that the umpire be fired, for using that method to restrain him a year ago, so let's see if Milton will terminate himself.

As the dust settled, the Rangers won in a shutout, Sexson received a suspension, and he and his teammates are awarded DOH-mers. Brawls on the diamond are nothing new, but I’m sure that somewhere out there, Jose Offerman is sitting on his couch and calling Richie Sexson a poser, because he didn’t bring the bat with him.

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