Tuesday, May 20, 2008

DOH-mer Of The Week- 4 Hours of Horse Sh*#t

Yes, I’m a fan of horse racing. I’m even a fan of Big Brown, hoping to see a horse finally win the Triple Crown. But I’m not a fan of the pre-race festivities aired on the networks. Even after a thorough mind search, I still can’t find reasoning for them. A two minute race is preceded by 4 hours of race programming. Where’s the sense in that?

I actually got caught watching some of this programming, before the Preakness. It wasn’t something done purposely, but as I occupied myself with other activities, I never thought to change the channel. Suddenly, it dawned on me. Two hours later, analysts were still trying to break down a race that would only amount to 4 commercial spots on the network.

We all see the extensive pre-game coverage on Superbowl Sundays, and if you combine all races (Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont Stakes), it would be the “Superbowl” of Horse Racing. But still, that’s a little more than 6 minutes of actually racing, scattered over 3 days, and providing nearly 12 hours of coverage. Necessary? Hell no!

Unless Mr. Ed or Shrek's good friend "Donkey" is entered in any of these races, you won’t be getting an interview from the actual competitors. What you will get is live feed of “groomers”, explaining brush strokes. You’ll hear from “trainers”, with talks about diets and exercise. And you’ll also hear from owners, explaining the worth of their horse’s ejaculation, and comparing it to what they paid for semen.

Obviously, a horse is the staple of manhood. First, we coin the phrase “hung like a horse”, and then we place value on their sperm. Big Brown’s stud rights sold for $50 million, and I’ve spent a lifetime offering up my own as a free donation. In comparison to Big Brown, I’m not feeling very manly. America has spoken, and the Big Brown horse is far greater than the Trojan Horse. Maybe I'm just jealous...You think?.

Our DOH-mers will also give us spot interviews with several jockeys. Listening, more than actually watching, I couldn’t tell one from the other. My ears told me they represented the “Lollipop Guild”, with the “Lullaby League” sure to follow. And as I looked over to view the images on the screen, I found my eyes and ears to be in agreement. I can’t even remember any of their names. And just as I’m sure you can tell me which horse won the first two legs of the Triple Crown, I’m pretty certain you can’t give me the name of the jockey that rode him to victory. I can't, and I'm not even going to look it up. What the hell for? It doesn't matter!

When I turn on a Superbowl pre-game show, and see interviews with Tom Brady’s hairstylist, then maybe I’ll understand what pre-race shows are patterned after. When Tom Brady’s cook is telling the nation what he had for breakfast or Giselle is explaining his value in bed, then I’ll just call them copycats. When they interview the team equipment manager, waterboy, and the person on laundry duty, then I’ll understand why they have a person on camera for no other reason than riding a champion home. But until then, I can only conclude that these DOH-mers are fulfilling a need to fill space, when it’s obvious that 4 hours before a 2 minute race isn’t a need, but a want.

Make sure you tune in for the 4 hour Belmont Stakes pre-race show. I’m sure they’ll make another attempt to sell the excitement and thrills of horse racing, by highlighting the show with discussions about horse’s dying on the track.


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