Wednesday, May 28, 2008

DOH-mer Of The Week- Cheap Date


There’s the ongoing debate of whether or not amateur athletes should receive some type of monetary compensation for their performances on the field. This week’s DOH-mer adds a new wrinkle, and reason to support the “yea” sayers. When your starting defensive back is arrested for shoplifting a box of condoms, it’s either time to examine a student athlete’s inability to purchase low cost items or look into the rising cost of prophylactics.

Purdue Safety, Torri Williams, was suspended indefinitely from the team, following an arrest where he was suspected of stealing a box of condoms from a grocery store. Williams was already on probation for a prior DUI, and was also present at a nightclub where one of his teammates became the victim of a stabbing. Though the condom snatching was a misdemeanor, the university had seen enough.

The whole ordeal has me wondering if he was seriously broke or just embarrassed. Believe it or not, but for whatever reason, some men are embarrassed to purchase condoms. I’ve never had that problem, and will happily use that little box to announce to everyone in line that I’m getting laid that night. Seriously, how embarrassing can it be? Females have no problem tossing their little package on the counter that alerts all customers and employees that their menstrual cycle has begun (though the menacing look on their faces is a good indication), so why can’t males buy condoms, without trying to bury the merchandise beneath a bunch of sh*t that’s only being purchased to hide that little box with the Trojan on it. Hell, the most embarrassing question a cashier can ask is, “Do you want that in a bag or would you like to wear it home?”

If it is the embarrassment, then here’s my suggestion to all you embarrassed males. Purchase your condoms at a sex shop. With aisles lined with whips, chains, blow up dolls, butt plugs, and pocket vaginas, a tiny box of condoms on the counter is mild. They are also available through mail order, but if you’re cheap or broke, you couldn’t pay the postage anyway.

Now I'm no rocket scientist, but more embarrassing than purchasing condoms is getting caught stealing them. If I’m ever caught shoplifting, the cops better be pulling a 50” HD television out of my pocket. The last thing anyone needs is that chuckle, when fellow inmates ask the dreaded question of, “what are you in for?”

And it also makes no sense to spend all your money on dinner and a movie, if you kill the ending by not being able to afford the nightcap. You have to budget in the rubber costs, even if it means she gets the smaller box of popcorn.

By thinking safety first, this Purdue Safety lost his spot on the team, has jail time pending, and never got the nookie. But the entire evening wasn’t a complete waste, because now he has a DOH-mer.

Congrats!

1 comment:

Ray-Ray said...

this was so funny I read it to my mom LOL awesome and hey we buy ours before we get our period THANK YOU!