Monday, October 6, 2008

DOH-mer Of The Week- Premature Ejaculation

I see it every year, and each time I’m irked. I only see it in baseball, but if it exists in other professional sports, do me a favor and let me know. I’m talking about the season climax that comes much too soon. I’m talking about the chorus of screams combined with flowing liquid, which I’ve always translated as completion of a goal and fulfillment of a dream. It’s an athletic orgasm, before you ever get those regular season pants off.

I understand that baseball consists of a rigorous 162 game season. I understand that to finish the regular season with even more games to play is an accomplishment. But what I don’t understand is the champagne parties, field romping, and frenzy that follow the announcement that you have done nothing more than won your division, or even worse, that you qualified as a “wildcard”.

I can maybe cut division winners some slack, but it would be very little. Franchises fly division championship banners at their stadiums and arenas, regardless of sport. The franchise is recorded in the books as the champion for that year. But still, isn’t the celebration a bit over the top, with so much work left to be done. Isn’t it “World Series champs or bust”? And what’s with that wildcard celebration, with printed AL or NL “wildcard” T-shirts included. Can you imagine the Atlanta Hawks having a champagne party for slipping into the NBA playoffs? Can you imagine last year’s Titans or Jaguars having a wildcard celebration that would rival Superbowl Champions? Win the pennant, and a party may be somewhat suffice. But why the overly exaggerated celebrations for making the playoffs, then again for doing nothing more than winning in the first round?

To me, these celebrations are equivalent to a coach receiving a Gatorade Bath at halftime, when you still have 2 quarters to play. The Chicago Cubs had one of these celebrations, and failed to win a single game in the post-season. They had this celebration, after the first quarter, with 3 quarters remaining before the trophy could be raised. Was the champagne flow a symbol that the curse was broken? Hell no! Are fans of the Cubbies satisfied, because their team qualified for the playoffs, but didn’t go any farther? Pfft! The whole thing is pointless, if it doesn’t come with the grand prize. How many coaches over the years have taken part in those celebrations, only to lose their jobs in following weeks? How many players celebrated, only to worry about job security a week later, or begin negotiations with other franchises before all division series are complete?

I can even look at the Dodgers and Rays, and maybe have some sympathy, but I won’t. At this point, the Rays are viewed as remarkable for their turn around. Get bounced from the playoffs or lose in the world series, and no one will remember or give a sh**. Remember the 2001 Seattle Mariners (who?), tying the Major League record with 116 wins in the regular season? So what? The Mariners have still failed to make a World Series appearance in their history. But hey, at least they had a party for one night. Right? Those Northwestern champagne spillers are known today as one of the biggest busts in baseball history. And out in L.A, the Dodgers had been playoff limp for 20 years, before using the Cubs as Viagra. They’ve won a playoff series. Is it time to party? What the f*** for? There’s more work to do. I don’t care how many times you make it to the post season, or how many wins you accumulate in that post season, because it’s all about finishing on top. You can win a playoff series and still finish among the year’s losers. It’s all or nothing. And if you don’t believe me, the fact that the Indians, Cubs, and some others are still considered “cursed” says it. Those clubs have won in the playoffs throughout the years, but all came up short of “finishing”. You know… the climax? If you don't finish, what's the difference between the Angels and the Royals? Aren't they both losers?

So, my DOH-mer goes to these groups of men, acting like an alcoholic that has been dry for weeks and just waiting and willing to find a reason to have a boozy celebration for even the slightest of reasons. After all, the Atlanta Braves won a record 14 consecutive division titles. That’s at least 14 locker room parties, while only tasting the championship once. In comparison, the Florida Marlins won the World Series twice in 6 years, without ever winning that Braves dominated Eastern division. The lesson learned is, at least get through the foreplay and actual act, before trying to fake an orgasm.


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