Trick or Treat: The most horrifying defeats in sports history

No matter which teams you follow and declare your loyalty, I’m sure there is a certain game you can reflect on as one of the most horrific defeats they’ve ever suffered. But just as Stanford and Appalachian State may have shocked the sports world in 2007, their upset victories over highly ranked Southern California and Michigan are mild in comparison to the teams on this list. There's nothing more newsworthy in the sports world than a good paddling. Regardless of sport or public interests in a particular game, if an opponent inserts a boot in your backside, we're going to read about it. A game that held no meaning before it was played, 100 years later can mean so much. And as long as we have guys like myself to blow the dust from history, we get another chance to relive the embarrassment.

SAW

(Georgia Tech 222, Cumberland 0)

This movie has many sequels, each revealing different methods of a slow torturous death. But even in the movie, the victims had options, though not fair, which could inevitably save their lives. In 1916, Cumberland College was given an option. Pay $3000 and the football team would be released from a standing agreement to play John Heisman’s Georgia Tech squad. Although the Cumberland football program had been discontinued, the agreement was still in place. Rather than fork over the 3 grand, George Allen assembled whichever able bodies he could find, and Cumberland played the game.

It was the rout of all routs, as Georgia Tech scored 63 in the first quarter, and matched it in the second. Tech rolled to 222 points, without ever throwing a forward pass. They rushed for 1650 yards and 28 touchdowns, doing it all on just 40 carries. Cumberland finished with -96 yards rushing, just 14 passing yards, and 15 turnovers. $3000 dollars was a lot of money in 1916, but this ass kicking was priceless.

28 DAYS LATER

(Bears 73, Redskins 0)

It wasn’t exactly 28 days, but in 1940, the Washington Redskins defeated the Chicago Bears 7-3 in a regular season game. 3 weeks later, the two teams met again to decide the NFL Championship. Chicago played the game as if they were alone on the field. Managing just 3 points in the earlier meeting, they jumped out quick to a 21 point lead in the first quarter, before adding another 7 by halftime. The Bears added 45 more in the second half, and the massacre was complete. Down the stretch, officials asked the Bears to run the ball in for the extra points, because too many Footballs were lost in the stands, due to multiple point after kick attempts. This game ranks as the most lopsided victory in NFL history.

THE WARRIORS

(Rangers 30, Orioles 3)

The Warriors isn’t categorized as a horror flick, but one particular New York street gang had their faces painted as if they were prepared to go trick or treating. The “Baseball furies” would chase down their enemies, fully clad in baseball uniforms, and carrying bats to do some clubbing. Last year, the Baltimore Orioles picked a fight with those Baseball furies, jumping in front to a 3-0 lead, before the bats of the Texas Rangers started singing to the tune of 30 unanswered runs. In all, it was 30 runs in a total of 6 innings, an average of 5 per inning, with the onslaught beginning in the 4th. It was the first time in 110 years that a major league team scored 30 runs in a game. The Orioles were the home team, and at the time of this occurence, their NFL neighbors (Baltimore Ravens) hadn’t surrendered 30 points to an opponent in 2 years.

CARRIE

(Lisa Leslie scores 100 points)

Carrie was a loner, doing all the work herself. She left a lasting memory on one high school, and they’d be haunted by the event for years to come. In the same way, South Torrance High School will be forever haunted by the name Lisa Leslie. The senior from Morningside High School never broke Cheryl Miller’s record of 105 points in a game, but she was denied the opportunity. In this game, Morningside High ran out to a 102-24 lead by halftime. Lisa Leslie had 101 of her team’s total first half points. She would finish the night stuck on that number, as South Torrance opted to forfeit the second half of the game. The decision made by the opposing coach to not bring his team back on the floor sparked criticism, But honestly, can you really blame the guy? Both Lisa Leslie, like Cheryl Miller before her, went on to star for the Lady Trojans of USC basketball, and are arguably two of the greatest female basketball players in the history of the sport.

FRIDAY THE 13TH

(Slovakia 82, Bulgaria 0)

Thanks to Jason Voorhees, the mask of a hockey goalie has become synonymous with horror. As for the Bulgarian women’s hockey team, they fear the mask, the ice, and anything related to the sport. The Slovakian women defeated Bulgaria 82-0, having 130 shots on goal to their opponents zero. It’s pretty amazing, when you look at the facts. A hockey goal scores as just one point, and there are only 60 minutes in a match. This would mean the Slovakians were scoring at a pace of more than 1 goal per minute. Bulgaria was eventually eliminated from the tournament, having been outscored 192-1 by their opponents.

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

(Houston 95, SMU 21)

In 1989, the University of Houston had a future Heisman winning QB leading the offense. Southern Methodist was one year removed from the NCAA death penalty that wiped out the football program, and Coach Forrest Gregg had only freshmen and sophomores on the roster. 14 of those freshmen were starters. This game was record setting before the kickoff, with Vegas having the Mustangs as a 59 1/2 point underdog. Though Andre Ware only played the first half, the Cougars set several collegiate records that day. Houston amassed 1,021 yards of offense, with 771 coming from the air. In the first half alone, Ware threw for 517 yards on 41 attempts. A 95-21 victory isn’t nearly the same as the terrible loss suffered by Cumberland. But Houston and their Chainsaw once chopped up another opponent in 1968 (Tulsa), finishing with a final score of 100-6. That victory gave the Cougars the honor of being the last major college program to score 100 points in a game.

From the Empire, to you and yours,
have a happy and safe Halloween.

DOH-mer of The Week- Worst preseason acquisitions of 2008

Some NFL franchises were willing to gamble and take a stab at the poor free agency market, providing the cash and hoping for performance. Others gambled with picks, acquiring what they believed to be immediate impact players and sacrificing positions in future drafts. With 8 weeks complete, and teams and players settling in, let’s give a group hug to all the DOH-mers that flushed their funds and selections down the toilet.

1. Adam “Pacman” Jones, CB, Cowboys- Pacman tops the list, because unlike the others, it’s doubtful that he’ll have the opportunity to improve. Now suspended again by the NFL, the cornerback failed to be a force on the field as either a cornerback or return man. But this acquisition amounts more to a waste of time, since Jerry Jones did leave himself a way out, and retrieved draft picks granted to Tennessee in the trade. There’s still the issue of Dallas paying the fines for taking a chance on a problem player. But then again, as I’ve always said, Goodell should also fine himself for even allowing the opportunity. I’ll admit that I supported Jerry’s decision to add Pacman to the roster, as I believed he could change. But hey, I’m not eligible to be a DOH’mer on my own blog….so back the f*ck up!

2. Javon Walker, WR, Raiders- If you think Javon Walker being robbed on a street corner in Vegas was horrible, reflect back on the robbery that took place months earlier in an Oakland office. Al Davis dished out a $55 million contract for a player the Denver Broncos were glad to boot from the mountain. That contract came with $27 million in guarantees. In 6 games played, Walker has 12 receptions and just one touchdown. The lone score came against the Jets, and marked his first time in the end zone in two years. That breaks the contract down to $27.5 million per touchdown, and nearly $460,000 per catch.

3. Brett Favre, QB, Jets- The New York Jets acquired Brett Favre for a conditional 4th round pick in the 2009 draft. It turns into a third round pick, if Brett plays in at least 50% of Jets games. Just go ahead and bench him now, because you have nothing to gain and more to lose. What the Jets acquired was an NFL turnover machine and an 89.5 passer rating. I’m sure they already had that sitting somewhere on the bench. Didn’t they? As it is, the man sent packing to make room for Favre (Chad Pennington) is 6th in the league in passing, with a passer rating of 100.5. Favre has thrown 11 interceptions in 7 games played. Pennington has thrown just 3. The only thing right about the New Yorkers’ decision to ship Pennington out is that it avoids a quarterback controversy, as fans aren’t likely to call for Clemens. And don’t give me any of that sh*t about Favre leading the Jets to a tying score, before falling to the Raiders. And don't talk to me about heroics against the Kansas City Chiefs. Those are woeful franchises, and it was Favre’s play that allowed them both to remain in the game.

4. Jeremy Shockey, TE, Saints- The Saints gave up second and fifth round picks to the Giants for Jeremy Shockey. Obviously the Giants didn’t need him, improving as a unit during his absence, and were waiting for a victim to punk in a trade. This isn’t about his 22 receptions and no scores in 2008. It’s about his return from a sports hernia, only to complain about pain in the leg damaged last year with the Giants. The Saints gave up draft selections for damaged goods. Shockey says New Orleans erred in misdiagnosing his injury in camp, but the error came before that, in the trade. You have a pro bowl tight end playing in the best passing attack in football, and he hasn’t seen the end zone. In contrast, Kevin Boss may only have 10 receptions with the Giants, but he has scored twice.

5. Troy Williamson, WR, Jaguars- When you look at the sixth round pick the Jags gave up for Troy Williamson, it may not look like much. But then again, they didn’t gain much. It was nearly a “nothing-for-nothing” deal. Williamson’s strength is speed to stretch the football field. His weakness is his hands, as the guy can’t catch for sh*t. If you ever wonder what Usain Bolt would look like on a football field, just watch Williamson play. Aside for missing 4 games with an injury, Williamson (the stretch performer) has no catches longer than 6 yards. His receptions have only moved the sticks once, and he hasn’t scored. The Vikings used the 6th round pick to select Jaymar Johnson, another speedy receiver, and he's currently a member of their practice squad. Why did I say it was "nearly" a nothing-for-nothing deal? It's because the salary of a former first round draft choice is substantially greater than the salary of a 6th round practice squad player. Neither are productive on Sundays, but who got the better deal?

I could easily dig deeper and add more names to this list, since the free agent market was so horrible. But the 5 listed didn’t require any digging, because you could almost see that teams weren’t getting what they bargained for, before these men ever set foot on the field. Oddly, Redskins owner Dan Snyder managed to avoid any bonehead moves during the offseason, though people thought the hiring of Jim Zorn was “it”. Maybe the little guy has finally learned. But as for the rest of them, take this DOH’mer as a lesson, before you pull out your wallets in 2009.

Best And Worst Athletes Turned Actors-II

No need for an intro, so let's jump right to it:

God Awful: Arnold Schwarzenegger, bodybuilding. Some may argue that Arnie's God given talent made him one of the most successful action stars in movie history. But honestly, isn’t that all about effects? If the acting talent was God given, he would actually convince me that he was an American agent (which he often seems to play). But hearing that Austrian accent, I couldn’t buy it. He even played the terminating robot from the future that was advanced in everything. Well, everything but the English language. At least Lou Ferrigno knew that grunting alone would get him by, and left all the speaking parts to Bill Bixby. Arnold was last seen playing the role of a high ranking politician for the State of California, despite alleged Nazi ties. Not bad.

God Given: Ed Marinaro, Minnesota Vikings. Marinaro went from running through NFL holes to patrolling the streets in “Hill Street Blues”. He was the first running back in NCAA history to amass 4000 rushing yards, and is a college football Hall of Fame inductee. Ed twice made Superbowl appearances with the Vikes, but Emmy awards were the trophies he brought home.

God Awful: Alex Karras, Detroit Lions. I won’t give credit to someone for playing a television husband, when his co-star is his “real life” wife. Any married couple will match you in portraying the “non-stop happy couple”, because it’s a role they adopt for public viewing each day. Plus, we all know the majority of acting for married couples comes in the bedroom, and they didn’t have any of those scenes in “Webster”. I’m also not giving credit for a series about a White couple adopting an extremely undersized African American youth, because “Different Strokes” had already beat you to it.

God Given: Dean Cain (Dean George Tanaka), Buffalo Bills. Cain is so much better at acting that most don’t realize that before he was Superman in TV’s “Lois & Clark”, he was a Superman in the Ivy League. As a Princeton Safety, Cain set an Ivy League record, with 12 interceptions in a season. And though he signed with the Buffalo Bills, his career was cut short by a knee injury. Who would have known that our on screen Superman was weak in the knees?

God Awful: Penny Hardaway, Orlando Magic. The doll, “Little Penny”, had more on screen draw than the living version. Hardaway played opposite Shaquille O’Neil and Nick Nolte in “Blue Chips”. He wasn’t very convincing as a High School player that got pimped into selecting a college, and wanted a new job and house for his mom. If there was a modern re-cast, I think Southern Cal’s O.J Mayo would be perfect for the role.

God Given: Carl Weathers, Oakland Raiders. Weathers receives props for his ability to portray several roles. He’s a victim of the “Predator”, but more noted as boxing champ, Apollo Creed, of “Rocky” fame. Though his career with the Raiders was brief, it leaves me wondering which past champion is more likely to win another title first, the Raiders or Creed in Rocky XX. I’ll put my money on Creed.

God Awful: Dennis Rodman, NBA. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but it was hard for me to take Dennis Rodman seriously in a bad boy role. How can I not take this NBA bad boy seriously? It’s easy. He once paraded around in a wedding dress. If I’m in the movie “Double Team”, and Dennis Rodman is pursuing me, I’m not reaching for a weapon, as much as I’m preparing to throw rice.

God Given: Burt Reynolds, Florida State Seminoles. The name Burt Reynolds is totally Hollywood, but few know that he was a great half back that went to Florida State on a football scholarship. Reynolds possessed great football potential, but torn cartilage in his knee that was worsened by his trying to play with it for several games, made short his career in sports. Another gridiron loss became a Hollywood gain, as Reynolds went on to put together an incredible acting resume.

God Awful: Lester Speight, USFL, Wrestling. Speight had pro football ambitions. But unfortunate for him, the USFL folded, before he could ever establish himself. Rejected by the NFL, he entered the world of wrestling as “Rasta the Voodoo Man”. He broke into Hollywood with sparing roles here and there, and I last remember him from “My wife and kids”. But what he’s most recognized for is a television commercial, which says a lot about his acting. Most may scratch their heads when I say his real name, but if I say Terry Tate the office linebacker, suddenly he’s recognizable.

God Given: Merlin Olsen, Los Angeles Rams. Olson is inducted into both the Pro and college football Halls of Fame. He made up a quarter of the Rams’ touted “fearsome foursome”, and was just a beast on the field. And then, after hanging up his cleats, he played a gentle giant on “Little House on the Prairie”. He also played the role of a priest in “Father Murphy”. Unlike other former football players that may be typecast for their size or reputation, Olsen was able to pick up a script and be a character opposite of the one he brought to his sport. For that, I’ll give him the “God given” label.

Best and Worst Athletes turned Actors

Terrell Owens has jumped into the Hollywood scene, and Jason Taylor has made his future intentions clear. Over the years, plenty of players have gone from field to film, but most are unable to match the same greatness they had in sports, and incorporate it to the silver screen. Owens and Taylor left me wondering who was the best and worst to make the switch. There's quite a few that attempted this, and some actually had success.

I give you part one in a series of best and worst athletes turned actors. They are in no particular order, and their talents receive a Horse’s rating of either “God given” or “God awful”. Enjoy.

God Awful: Ray Allen, Boston Celtics. Ray Allen was chosen to star in Spike Lee’s “He got game”, and hasn’t received a role since. The first mistake was accepting a starring role, with Oscar winner Denzel Washington playing a lesser part. If anything, it drew more focus to how lousy Ray was in his film portrayal of an umm…basketball player. After displaying his non talent, Ray Allen’s television endorsements and ESPN commercial spots have learned not to give him any speaking roles longer than a paragraph.

God Given: Mark Harmon, UCLA Bruins. This former Westwood quarterback never took a snap after graduation, and instead jumped into the world of acting. Though his roles are about as Oscar worthy as his football performances were Heisman worthy, it was apparent that Mark was more suited for make-up and teleprompters than pads and playbooks.

God Awful: Bruce Lee, MMA. Bruce may be one of the greatest action film stars in Hollywood history, but is someone that was always typecasted. The scripts in Lee’s movies were about as important as scripts in porno flicks. They were all about the action, faces, and climax. He spawned an onslaught of future kickers that took to the movie screens to also become lousy actors, with Chuck Norris, Jim Kelly, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Steven Seagal to follow.

God Given: Terry Bradshaw, Pittsburgh Steelers. Terry receives the “God Given” label, because in his roles he’s playing himself. No, he wasn’t a Superbowl winning quarterback in “Failure to launch”, but the personality of his character is much like his own. It’s similar to Icecube doing an outstanding job of portraying a thug in “Boys in the hood”. Imagine that? Let’s see both Icecube and Terry Bradshaw play the role of a trial lawyer, and we’ll judge again.

God Awful: O.J. Simpson, Buffalo Bills. This NFL Hall of Fame member, turned murderer (umm, allegedly), dazzles me in the wonder of how he received so many scripts. The juice wasn’t getting better with each role, but if anything, getting worse. The only thing even close to receiving nominations from the academy was his tugging and shrugging to indicate that a glove was maybe 2 sizes too small, in the 90s drama “If it doesn’t fit, must acquit”.

God Given: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Miami Hurricanes. Before gaining silver screen fame, Dwayne was known in the wrestling world, which is the same as acting. Isn’t it? This former member of the Miami Hurricanes football team has shown where he’s most comfortable, and that’s in Hollywood. He’s quickly gone from the more action packed roles to roles requiring more acting skills, such as “The Gridiron Gang”. The Rock looks to be solid on film for years to come.

God Awful: Brian Bosworth, Seattle Seahawks. Brian still hasn’t found anything he’s good at. He was a terrible NFL football player, as displayed by his short league stay, and just as bad as an actor (also reflected in his few roles). I think Hollywood tried to ride on a popularity that began at the University of Oklahoma, and managed to somehow continue into his NFL career. It was a very short ride for the Boz.

God Given: John Wayne, USC Trojans. Injuries may sometimes act as a blessing, and when John Wayne (known then as Marion Morrison) sustained an injury at USC, football coach Howard Jones yanked his scholarship, forcing him out of the program and school. Now he’s most remembered as the Duke, and I have to wonder if that little hitch in his giddee-up was a result of the past injury.

God Awful: Shaquille O’ Neil, Phoenix Suns. Shaq was allowed to be “Shaq”, as he co-starred with Nick Nolte in “Blue Chips”, but as for his other roles, they were for kids, where he simply played a freak of nature. It was the look, and not any talent that landed these roles. It’s the same as other massive on-screen freakazoid athletes, such as Bubba Smith, Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant.

God Given: Tom Selleck, USC Trojans. Before “the stache” was Mr. Baseball, he was a young Trojan on a basketball scholarship. He’s actually been back in the news of late, giving his opinion to the newest O.J. Mayo scandal at USC. Selleck was never a great actor, but he’s not bad either.