Wednesday, June 11, 2008

DOH-mer Of The Week- Cedric The Entertainer

Coming into this week, I actually had two prime candidates for the DOH-mer, but I had to tear them down and pick just one. It became a battle of fire and water, when choosing between the now suspended Odell Thurman of the Cincinnati Bengals and the newly released Cedric Benson of the Chicago Bears. I tried to consider which carried more weight, alcohol or marijuana, but I was still unable to separate the two. But finally I found that one thing that separates these two f*ck ups, and that being Thurman was actually pretty good on a football field.

You may think Thurman is more deserving of the award, because he smoked away something he actually excelled in. But when you see it from my view, there’s no doubt that Cedric Benson is the better candidate.

Cedric entered the 2008 postseason already knowing he was on thin ice. He lacked production, suffered an injury that even after healing left him at less than 100%, and the Bears selected an “every down” type back in the draft. With all these factors weighing against him, Benson desperately needed to maintain the “but” factor. You know, the “Cedric isn’t very useful to the team, BUT….” That “but” could have been that “he’s a good guy”, “works hard”, or “he’s focused on this upcoming camp and season.” Well, no more ifs, ands, or “buts” for Benson. His offseason entertainment erased all positive words that may have possibly followed his “but”.

When you’re a bad football player, you can’t be a f*ck up off the field. Good football players may get away with it, because they hold some type of value. But in the case of bad football players, the organization is just waiting for a good reason to clear you from the roster, like that other guy named Cedrick, who not long ago played for the Steelers. My DOH-mer went from “Boating while intoxicated” to “Driving while intoxicated”, in a span of one month. Someone should inform him that the boat wasn’t the evil, and he removed the wrong item from the equation. Boats are only evil if you’re a Viking. Right Daunte?

It’s actually a shame that it all came to this, after Benson once had what looked like a promising future. Selected by the Bears with the 4th overall pick in the draft, the expectations were high for the Texas Longhorn. In fact, the only thing that kept Texas native, Adrian Peterson, from committing to Texas was that he didn’t want to play behind Benson. Now, the only time you would ever see Peterson behind Benson is if you spotted Cedric 40 yards, and the outcome would still be close.

In Benson’s final hoorah, his female acquaintance can now say, “My Black friend was cut from the Bears”. And first of all, that girl isn’t much of a friend. Friends are colorblind, and don’t find any need to be race descriptive. Would she have said her “White" friend? Secondly, if I’m getting my ass beat, and you’re on the damn phone, you’re not much of a friend. From my experiences, if you're a female, wearing shoes, you possess the weapons to come to my aid. And finally,“cops” are stomping me out, so you decide to get on the phone and call “more cops”? Thanks! At least this time there was no scuffle or allegations of police brutality. I guess the authorities figured out that the easiest way to stop the man is to just give him the damn ball.

Thurman, you’re safe, by a hair, because Benson is most deserving of this DOH-mer. I bet if it was an actually trophy cup, he’d be smiling big, as I waited for him to say “when”.

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