Monday, March 3, 2008

DOH-mer Of The Week- Pimpin' Aint Easy

Every sports franchise has a pimp working their block. And though he’s behind the scenes, collecting a percentage of product sales, his hoes are most visible in the neighborhood. One particular pimp, Tom Condon, has a hoe on every NFL corner. And when it comes to negotiating costs of a franchise player, chances are you’ll be phoning him about one of his laborers. Condon’s list of hoes will include, Peyton and Eli Manning, Tony Romo, Matt Leinart, Marvin Harrison, Drew Brees, Chad Pennington, Ladainian Tomlinson, Alex Smith, Marc Bulger, Brady Quinn, and Adrian Peterson.

The list is quite impressive, and highlighted by plenty of big name quarterbacks. When you look at Alex Smith, Matt Leinart, Brady Quinn, and Adrian Peterson, you see that he’s also picked up some bodies that were recently on the Heisman stage as winners or finalists. Tim Couch is also one of his clients, but that hoe became very ugly and hard to sell, but does represent another “top of the draft board” client.

With Matt Ryan, Condon has another potential top 5 player in this year’s draft class. But it’s a little different this time, considering Ryan isn’t from a traditional college power, and didn’t receive the national media exposure that others did. Even Alex Smith, from small time Utah, was able to highlight his college career with a BCS bowl victory to seal an undefeated season. And No.1 overall pick last year, Jamarcus Russell, had the privilege of torching media darlings Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl. But Ryan is a player known, but seldom seen.

Condon's trend is to not let you eye the goods before purchase, and it continues this year, with Ryan Skipping the Senior Bowl and not performing at the NFL combine. Bill Parcells, holding the first pick in the NFL draft, was forced to request tapes of Ryan from his former coach at Boston College. If the pimp hides the hoe behind closed doors, then peep through the keyhole.

Can Ryan still go No. 1 overall? Possibly, if NFL scouts truly view him as a “hidden” gem. Condon’s last 2 quarterbacks, Matt Leinart and Brady Quinn, slid down the draft boards. Leinart went from a possible 3rd overall pick, and first QB taken, to a No. 11 choice. Quinn faired worse, slipping from a possible No. 1 overall and landing at No. 22.

From the business standpoint, the man may be a genius. Even after his client slides, they still hold out and ask for money more deserving of the higher draft positions. Where you are drafted means nothing to Mr. Condon, because no matter the number, a hoe is a hoe. But from a fan perspective, he’s a DOHmer. A team makes a pick, fans get excited, and then some prima donna becomes the disruption of training camp, trying to get a pay increase with no services rendered.

But I’ll admit, one of my life’s ambitions was to be a sports pimp, just like Condon, so there is some admiration. But as of today, and for his annual pattern of secrecy, he’s my DOHmer.

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