DOH-mer Of The Week- Premature Ejaculation

I see it every year, and each time I’m irked. I only see it in baseball, but if it exists in other professional sports, do me a favor and let me know. I’m talking about the season climax that comes much too soon. I’m talking about the chorus of screams combined with flowing liquid, which I’ve always translated as completion of a goal and fulfillment of a dream. It’s an athletic orgasm, before you ever get those regular season pants off.

I understand that baseball consists of a rigorous 162 game season. I understand that to finish the regular season with even more games to play is an accomplishment. But what I don’t understand is the champagne parties, field romping, and frenzy that follow the announcement that you have done nothing more than won your division, or even worse, that you qualified as a “wildcard”.

I can maybe cut division winners some slack, but it would be very little. Franchises fly division championship banners at their stadiums and arenas, regardless of sport. The franchise is recorded in the books as the champion for that year. But still, isn’t the celebration a bit over the top, with so much work left to be done. Isn’t it “World Series champs or bust”? And what’s with that wildcard celebration, with printed AL or NL “wildcard” T-shirts included. Can you imagine the Atlanta Hawks having a champagne party for slipping into the NBA playoffs? Can you imagine last year’s Titans or Jaguars having a wildcard celebration that would rival Superbowl Champions? Win the pennant, and a party may be somewhat suffice. But why the overly exaggerated celebrations for making the playoffs, then again for doing nothing more than winning in the first round?

To me, these celebrations are equivalent to a coach receiving a Gatorade Bath at halftime, when you still have 2 quarters to play. The Chicago Cubs had one of these celebrations, and failed to win a single game in the post-season. They had this celebration, after the first quarter, with 3 quarters remaining before the trophy could be raised. Was the champagne flow a symbol that the curse was broken? Hell no! Are fans of the Cubbies satisfied, because their team qualified for the playoffs, but didn’t go any farther? Pfft! The whole thing is pointless, if it doesn’t come with the grand prize. How many coaches over the years have taken part in those celebrations, only to lose their jobs in following weeks? How many players celebrated, only to worry about job security a week later, or begin negotiations with other franchises before all division series are complete?

I can even look at the Dodgers and Rays, and maybe have some sympathy, but I won’t. At this point, the Rays are viewed as remarkable for their turn around. Get bounced from the playoffs or lose in the world series, and no one will remember or give a sh**. Remember the 2001 Seattle Mariners (who?), tying the Major League record with 116 wins in the regular season? So what? The Mariners have still failed to make a World Series appearance in their history. But hey, at least they had a party for one night. Right? Those Northwestern champagne spillers are known today as one of the biggest busts in baseball history. And out in L.A, the Dodgers had been playoff limp for 20 years, before using the Cubs as Viagra. They’ve won a playoff series. Is it time to party? What the f*** for? There’s more work to do. I don’t care how many times you make it to the post season, or how many wins you accumulate in that post season, because it’s all about finishing on top. You can win a playoff series and still finish among the year’s losers. It’s all or nothing. And if you don’t believe me, the fact that the Indians, Cubs, and some others are still considered “cursed” says it. Those clubs have won in the playoffs throughout the years, but all came up short of “finishing”. You know… the climax? If you don't finish, what's the difference between the Angels and the Royals? Aren't they both losers?

So, my DOH-mer goes to these groups of men, acting like an alcoholic that has been dry for weeks and just waiting and willing to find a reason to have a boozy celebration for even the slightest of reasons. After all, the Atlanta Braves won a record 14 consecutive division titles. That’s at least 14 locker room parties, while only tasting the championship once. In comparison, the Florida Marlins won the World Series twice in 6 years, without ever winning that Braves dominated Eastern division. The lesson learned is, at least get through the foreplay and actual act, before trying to fake an orgasm.

DOH-mer Of The Week- Pin Cushion Performances

Once upon a time, I admired baseball’s Paul Lo Duca. He was the heart and soul of the Los Angeles Dodgers, the spark plug that brought energy to the team. He was our Major League All Star, and I was shocked and angered when he was traded to the Florida Marlins . He’s been well traveled since wearing that Dodger Blue, also spending time in New York and Washington. And even after his name appeared on the Mitchell Report, I respected the man for not denying the use of human growth hormones, and apologizing for breaking the rules.

But I've suddenly lost respect for him, as he resorted to giving one of the more popular responses used by players that have been caught. Lo Duca says it was hard work that made him an All Star, and that he was not assisted by the “performance” enhancing drugs. And you know, every time I hear this answer, I think to myself…”Then why use them?!

Did Bonds and Sheffield use the “magic lotion” to promote healthier looking skin that glistened in the sunlight? Clemens wasn't a doper. He was a cutter, sticker, poker or whatever you want to call him, using the needle as an emotional release. Maybe Marion Jones wasn't injecting to improve speed on the track, but told that the growth hormones would either reduce the size of her cuspids over time or increase the size of her other teeth, making her grill more uniformed. There are plenty of excuses that can be made for steroid use as a necessity outside of sports enhancement, but you really can't explain the severe decline in performance once an athlete is busted.

It’s understandable that some players resort to the use of banned substances to speed up the rehabilitation of injuries, though it’s still an outlawed act. But according to the Mitchell report, a healthy Paul Lo Duca purchased the supplements less than five weeks before the Dodgers traded him to the Florida Marlins. He made another purchase 8 days after he joined the Florida team. How is this fact and not allegation? The DOH’mer made the purchases using checks in his name, as did many other jackasses of Major League Baseball.

I see no reason to use the drugs, if they don’t improve athletic performance. And what I also see is a DOH’mer named Paul Lo Duca, barely called up from the “MINOR LEAGUES”, trying to tell the public that his All Star status was a product of raw ability alone. The Mitchell report surfaces, and the one time All Star suddenly descends to the lower levels of the game. It’s pretty much the same as the quick decline of former league MVP Jason Giambi, after allegations of steroid usage began to swirl. What happened to some of the others on the Mitchell Report that were getting by on “raw talent”? Eric Gagne is another example. Now he's just a closer. But as a user, he was God. The before and after pictures show difference, and several studies have been conducted to solidify this fact. But I don’t need charts and figures to evaluate Paul Lo Duca. All I need are my eyes to see him sitting in a minor league dugout, while making claims that he didn’t need any physical aid.

The worst part of this is all the speculation that swarmed before the report was made public. Who was lying? Who was telling the truth? In the end, it appears only one man was truthful, though we all tagged him as a clown, and that man was Jose Canseco. And knowing this now, it has to make you wonder. Because though there is currently no direct link or paper trail that has surfaced, one name Canseco continues to throw out there is “Alex Rodriguez”.

... Is Jose still a liar?